


Rays Of Light

by HarperJean



Series: Like Ashes [4]
Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Disordered Eating, Eating Disorders, Musicians, Stalking, Teenage Rebellion, orthorexia, teenage angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-09-27 08:50:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 33,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9990338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HarperJean/pseuds/HarperJean
Summary: The youngest of the Hanson children, Zoe feels the desperate need to be the perfect daughter, but is far from it.  She was only eleven when Zac checked himself into treatment, but the fact has stuck with her throughout her formative years, and it's something that seems to haunt her, even now.Part of the "Like Ashes" Series!





	1. Chapter 1

_I wish I were pretty_  
_I wish I were brave_  
_If I owned this city_  
_Then I'd make it behave_  
_And if I were fearless_  
_Then I'd speak my truth_  
_And the world would hear this_  
_That's what I wish I'd do_  
_If my hands could open, you'd see_  
_I'd take all these secrets in me_  
_And I'd move and mold them to be_  
_Something I'd set free_

I was eleven years old the day my older brother, Zac, checked himself into treatment. 

I want to make it very clear, before we get too far into this, that I use the term “brother” pretty loosely. I mean, yes, technically we have the same parents and the same genetic make up. We have the same thick hair and the same impish smile, but we have always lived in completely different worlds. That’s just...how it has always been. It’s hard to be close to a sibling you were born 13 years after. If you really want to hear about my brother in every sense of that word, ask me about Mackie. But, I’m getting ahead of myself. We were talking about Zac. 

I was only eleven the day Zac left Tulsa. Not much was said that day. To me, a young girl with long blonde hair streaming behind her, it was a pretty ordinary day. I didn’t know until years later that it was simultaneously the best and worst day of Zac’s life. He would describe it to me, nearly a decade after the day he drove away, and it still isn’t something I can quite understand. I suppose no one ever can, until they go through it. Zac was 23 years old and already a father by the time he left. 

I know that none of this really has to do with me. But, I think in some strange, nonsensical way, that was when this all started. Watching my older brother drive away from our family home, to some mysterious location in the distance whose purpose I wouldn’t know until I was much older. 

***

“You’re a Godsend, Zoe,” Natalie said to me, as she scooped Willa up from the ground. She called for Viggo, who came running from the living room. 

“No problem. You know I love watching the little ones.” 

“I know that, and you have no idea how much I appreciate it. Sometimes I wonder what it must be like to have this many kids and not have this many helpers.” 

“Well luckily, you’ll never know.” 

It was true, I really never minded watching my nieces and nephews. They felt more like younger siblings to me, especially Taylor’s kids. I was only four years older than Ezra. We had grown up together more so that Taylor and I ever did. 

“Say bye-bye to Auntie Zoe, Willa!” Natalie said at the door, trying to get her youngest to wave at me. I stuck out my tongue at the little redhead nestled in her mother’s arms, causing her face to crinkle in delight. I swooped in and kissed her on the nose before ruffling Viggo’s hair and closing the door behind Natalie. I turned back towards the kitchen, where my homework loomed on the table, waiting for me patiently. Willa and Viggo (and the rest of Taylor’s clan) were so well behaved that I always had plenty of quiet time to do school work while I babysat them. But, as usual, I was having trouble focusing. 

When you’re sixteen years old, you’re supposed to be surrounded by friends, listening to music that vibrates through your body, and driving with the windows down. I was homeschooled, as were the rest of my siblings, and would often spend my evenings watching teen dramas on my laptop, wondering how different they were from real life. I would imagine myself roaming the halls of a public high school and sigh with the melancholic angst that only seems to overcome sixteen year olds. I had friends. It just...wasn’t the same as the groups of girls I saw chattering together on television. I missed something I had never experienced. 

When Mackie still lived at home it was different. My brother, who was four years older than me, was my best friend since day one. I loved him more than anything in this universe, and I like to believe he felt the same way about me. I often felt as though it was us against the world. The two of us would often sneak off during huge family holidays, finding quiet corners of the house to play card games or checkers. When we were a bit older, we would gossip about people from our church or even our own family members in hushed tones. Mac would play me songs he wrote and I would read him my silly poetry. We understood each other in a way I never felt with my other siblings. Especially my three oldest brothers. 

Because the fact of the matter was, my family was split in two. There was the band, and then...there was the rest of us. 

My oldest brother, Isaac, was already seventeen by the time I was born. I felt like we were worlds apart. 

I felt my phone vibrate on the table. Right on cue, I thought, as i answered my brother’s phone call. 

“Hey brother! I was just thinking about you,” I said with a grin, once again pushing away my American History textbook and the half hearted notes I had scrawled earlier that day. 

“Hey sis! Whatchya up to?” Mac asked. I could tell he was in a car. He got so bored while he was driving, and would often call me to pass the time. 

“I haven’t finished my school work yet. So I’m doing that.” 

“C’mon, Zo-bug, it’s already 4:30!” 

“Yes, I’m very aware of that, Mackenzie. I’m just having trouble focusing, that’s all. And I was watching Willa and Viggo earlier. They’re way cuter than any of the presidents or members of congress.” 

“True.” 

“Where are you driving?” 

“Home!” 

“Wait...for real?!” 

“Yeah, I’ll be there by tonight.” 

“Shut up!”

“I most certainly will not, I love hearing myself talk.” 

“To what do I owe this honor?” 

“Just thought I would spend some of my summer with my favorite sis, is that so wrong?” 

“Don’t let Avie or Jess hear you say that.” 

“They know where I stand.” 

I yelped with laughter. I felt joy rise up underneath my skin like tiny bubbles. I hated when my brother was gone. It would be good to have my best friend back. 

***

_I wandered down to the living room, bored of all my books and toys. I stopped on the landing when I saw my parents, deep in conversation. Kate was sitting on the couch, Shepherd in her arms. I hadn’t seen her in a few weeks, which was unusual for our family. We usually didn’t go more than a few days without seeing one of the older ones or their spouses._

_“We think that it’s the best thing for all of us right now,” she said quietly. I couldn’t see her face, but I could guess that she was avoiding my mother’s eyes. I knew first hand that Mom’s gaze could be intense. Dad shifted in his chair and heaved a heavy sigh._

_The hushed and concerned tones led me to believe that this was a conversation I shouldn’t be overhearing, which of course made me listen even harder. I was always excluded from family meetings, so I often had to take matters into my own hands. I had perfected the art of picking up the basement phone so silently that those already on the line couldn’t hear me listening. I would turn the phone upside down so that not even my breath could be detected._

_A week later, Zac drove away. He and Kate stopped by the house that morning to hand Shepherd over to Mom for the morning, while Kate drove Zac to the airport. I could see worry in both of their faces, but I didn’t press the matter. I stood on the front porch and watched them drive away, puzzled by his tearful goodbyes moments before. Mom kept him in a hug for a solid minute, and kissed his cheeks a couple times, holding his face in her hands. He waved out the passenger side window as they pulled out of the driveway, and I waved back, scowling. I didn’t like not knowing things. My Mom was inside crying and I didn’t know why._

_“Mackie?” I asked a few days later, cautiously entering my brother’s room._

_“What is it, Z?”_

_“Where did Zac go? No one will tell me.”_

_“He went to the loony bin.”_

_“What?”_

_“Nah, I’m kidding. He went to treatment.”_

_“Did Mom and Dad tell you?”_

_“Yeah, they did. I asked them, and I guess they figured I was old enough to know the truth.”_

_“Am I not old enough?”_

_“You probably are, but I doubt they see it that way. Zac went away to get better. He’s sick.”_

_“He seemed fine to me…”_

_“Yeah well, he’s not. He has to go get better.”_

***

“Did your brother tell you when he’s gonna be here?” Mom said at the dinner table that night, making me jump at the sound of her voice. I had grown up with so many siblings that dinners now were painfully quiet. 

“He just said tonight. I’m sure it will be pretty late, it’s a long drive.” 

“I hate when he does this.” 

“Does what? Visit us?” I asked, already preparing myself to defend him. 

“No, of course not, Zoe. I hate when he just wakes up and decides he’s going to drive long distances all in one day, and then does it with no plans or warning. It’s just...I don’t know it just seems irresponsible.” 

Mom was right, Mackie did have a very notable habit of spontaneity. And now that he was out of the house, living with a pack of roommates in California, it was even easier to take adventures whenever the spirit moved him. I envied him for that. I didn’t respond to my mother, but continued to push my food around my plate. There was a thick silence in the room that only broke when I heard the jangling of keys and the turning of the front door’s knob. My head shot up and looked out into the front hallway. Sure enough, there was Mac, backpack slung over his shoulder. 

“Mac!” I yelled and rushed over to him, without excusing myself from the table. I flung my arms around his neck, and he laughed loud enough to fill the entire house.


	2. Chapter 2

I walked up to my mother and handed her a stack of assignments, releasing a huge sigh of relief once she took them. As soon as she looked them over, I would be done for the semester, and I could enjoy my summer. I hated being home schooled, but I would never breath a word of that feeling to my parents. 

I texted Mac, who was probably off with some of his Tulsa friends, to see if I could join him now that I was free for the summer. Mac had the uncanny ability to make friends anywhere he went. All my brothers were charismatic that way, but I was always so amazed by how many people Mackenzie knew. It seemed as though he could hop in the car and drive to any town he wanted and have a place to say. I didn’t know how he did it. While I waited for his response I trudged up to my room and opened my laptop, checking my facebook and twitter. I had a few new friend requests and followers nearly every day, and I knew why. 

It was fans. 

I didn’t mind. Actually, I enjoyed having an audience of some sort, even if I wasn’t the one onstage. My other siblings shared the same plight and while Mac and I liked the semblance of popularity we experienced, Avery and Jessica hated it. This past year at H-day, people even asked for pictures with me, to which I happily obliged. I scoured the internet for the next few days, tracking down the selfies, and making sure they looked okay. 

My phone buzzed. 

_I just got lunch with Charlotte. What are you up to?_

I replied back. 

_Just got done with school! For the year! Let’s do something to celebrate!_

I closed out of my texts and opened instagram. Again, there were quite a few likes and comments. I had turned off notifications, since the fans had started finding me, and only replied to some of the comments. Most of them were about how much I looked like my brothers, anyway. 

***

_The phone rang and I sprang towards the kitchen._

_“Hanson residence, Zoe speaking,” I said, smartly._

_“Hey Zo-bug, it’s Zac. How’s it going?” He sounded tired. Not sad, but definitely exhausted. It had been two weeks since he left to go to California._

_“Hi! It’s good. I was just watching TV with Mackie.”_

_“How’s your schoolwork going? Good? How’s Mac?”_

_“Mac’s good, I’m good, everything is good, I guess. School is fine.”_

_He snorted with laughter, “I understand. Don’t worry, I hated it too. Okay well...I’m glad you’re doing good. Can you put Mom on the phone?”_

_“Yeah, why?” I asked. I couldn’t deny that I was nosy. I liked to know what was going on at all times._

_“I just wanted to check in. It’s been a couple days.”_

_I sighed. He wasn’t going to give me any more than that, I supposed. “Okay. I’ll get her. Love you.”_

_“Love you, too, Bug.”_

_I rolled my eyes at the use of my nickname. Mac had coined it years ago, and it caught on within the family. I went through phases of loving and hating it, and at eleven, I wished people would just call me by my name. I called for Mom and waited a few moments before wandering down to the basement. Luckily, Mac was pretty engrossed in the television show and didn’t see me descend the stairs._

_I picked up the receiver as quietly as I could and placed it to my ear, coming in on the middle of Zac’s sentence._

_“--even though it’s just sitting around all day. I guess it’s just emotional exhaustion. But no, it’s good. It’s hard. But it’s good.”_

_“I’m glad it’s going well. I just...we all want you to get better.”_

_“I know, and I will. There are some days that feel particularly hard and pointless, but...God, it’s nice to have someone who’s literal job it is to talk to me every day.”_

_“How are the other people there?”_

_“Um...I don’t really spend much time with them yet. For now I’m mostly doing individual therapy and nutritional counseling. I go more into group stuff later. The food stuff is pretty hard. I didn’t really realize how deep in it I was until...now.”_

_“But it’s going okay?”_

_“Yeah it is. It...sucks. It’s hard, I’m not going to try to pretend like it’s not really hard. And I hate saying that eating is hard because it shouldn’t be, it sounds...so stupid and like I’m whining about something that isn’t really a big deal but...yeah. I’m very tired. But they keep saying it’ll get easier, so I’m hoping that’s the case.”_

_“I’m sure it will.”_

_“Thanks, Mom. Anyway, I just wanted to check in and make sure you were doing okay and everything. I’m gonna call Kate here in a minute.”_

_“We love you, Zachary. Come home when you’re ready.”_

_“Love you too. Bye.”_

_I waited until they had both hung up before I set the receiver back down in it’s cradle, another trick of the eavesdropping trade. What on earth were they talking about?_

_I slipped back upstairs before Mom came out of the kitchen, but I caught her drying her face quickly, her eyes sparkling with a few tears. Maybe I would try to pry Mackie for more information later._

***

I looked at myself in the mirror for longer than I meant to. Mac had texted me back letting me know he was going to stop by the studio to say hi to my brothers, but that we could meet up downtown to hang out. This is why I loved when my brother was home. I felt more like a teenager than any other time. 

I changed out of one of my countless Hanson t-shirts and put on a delicate peasant top. I brushed out my long hair, an attribute I acquired from my mother, and placed it so it cascaded over my shoulders like a river of golden water. 

When I arrived downtown, Mac was waiting for me at a coffee shop, chatting with the female barista behind the counter. I smirked, knowing that he had quite the habit of flirting with any girl he laid eyes on (“Yeah I’m the fourth Hanson brother, can you believe it? No, really, I’m completely serious.” Crazy thing was, it usually worked). I knew how much he resented being the only boy in the family who wasn’t a part of the band, so he might as well use his last name for something. 

“Hey brother!” I called out to him as I walked through the door. 

“Hey! The guys gave me their orders so I’m gonna bring them something,” he said, rolling his eyes. But I felt like underneath the annoyance was some gratefulness for being needed, even if it was just to fetch coffee. 

“I’ll help you carry it over,” I offered before turning to the barista. “Can I get an soy iced latte please?” 

We got Taylor’s red-eye, Ike’s latte, and Zac’s iced tea and precariously balanced them in our arms while we walked the block over to 3CG. 

“How was lunch?” I asked Mac. 

“It was fine. I hadn’t seen Charlotte in like...almost a year.” 

It was my turn to roll my eyes. Charlotte and Mac had dated on and off for nearly three years when he lived in Tulsa. It was the most tumultuous and unpredictable relationship that any of my siblings had ever been a part of, at least as far as I knew. In our family, you date one person, and then you get married. Well...except for Avery, I suppose. 

“And?” I asked. 

“She’s good. She’s pregnant.” 

“What!!”

“Oh come on, Tulsa is small, you knew that.” 

“I most certainly didn’t, Mackenzie. I knew she got married last fall but I didn’t know she was already knocked up.” 

“Yep. Dodged a bullet there. I can’t even imagine being married right now.” 

“You and me both.” 

We buzzed the intercom at the studio (“Coffee Delivery!!!” Mac yelled into the microphone), and found our brothers deep in conversation in the control room. Their faces broke out into appreciative smiles when they saw the caffeine that was being delivered. 

“Hey Zo-bug!” Ike said when he saw me, pulling me into a hug. I realized I hadn’t seen him in a few days. “How’s it going?”

“Good! Just finished school for the year!” 

Ike gave me a high five and Taylor nodded approvingly. Zac continued to doodle. 

“Well, we’ll let you guys get back to work. We have some youngest sibling catching up to do,” Mackenzie said as he started to leave. 

We were almost out the door when Zac called out, “Oh shit...hey Zoe?” 

“Yeah?” I asked as I turned around to face him again. 

“Can you watch the kids tonight? Sorry I know it’s last minute.”

I wasn’t super close with Zac’s kids, or Zac...or Kate for that matter. But I never minded babysitting. In fact, I took pride in how good I was at it by now. Having kids of my own would feel like a walk in the park at this point. 

“Yeah, of course.”


	3. Chapter 3

“J-J-J-J-J-Juuuunia…” I sang, to the tune of Juliet, as I helped Zac’s daughter get ready for bed. I couldn’t help but sing it sometimes, even though he had changed the name in the song. She smiled with delight at the sound of the melody. 

“That song’s about me!” she exclaimed, reaching her arms up so I could put her nightgown over her head. 

“I know! People think it’s just a silly love song but it’s actually about the prettiest little girl ever,” I said, booping her on the nose. She giggled, and I hoped that she would settle down and go to bed fairly soon. One of the reasons I loved babysitting for my brothers was the alone time I got once their kids went to bed. I was so used to being in a house (or tour bus) crammed with siblings It was nice to have a few hours to just watch TV or read. 

Once I got Abe to go down for the night, I wandered back to the living room and flopped down on the couch. Zac had a huge TV, and I flipped it on, browsing through Netflix, but I didn’t know if I was really in the mood for a movie. I looked at the clock, seeing it was only 8:30 (Zac was pretty strict about bedtime). I wandered into his office and logged onto his computer. Maybe I would watch some youtube videos. 

While the computer booted up, I spun around mindlessly in his office chair, looking at the pictures on his desk and shelves. They were mostly of Kate and the kids, barely any of them had him in the frame. There were none of the band, or of any of his siblings, including me. I was the first to admit that I had a bad habit of snooping. Most of what I knew about my family wasn’t even told directly to me, but overheard. I remembered having to act shocked when Avery came out to the family, even though I had eavesdropped enough to know exactly who she was in love with. 

I liked knowing things. It made me feel like I was important, in some way or another. 

I opened the browser on the computer and it automatically opened Zac’s inbox. I saw an unread email between him, Taylor, and Ike, whose subject was They’re at it again. Ike’s name was bolded, meaning that he was the last person to respond. I opened it before even thinking, my curiosity getting the better of me. 

_From: Isaac Hanson_   
_To: J. Taylor Hanson, Zac Hanson_

_Subject: Re: They’re at it again_

_Yeah, I mean it’s not the worst thing that’s ever happened to us, but I don’t like it either. Maybe we can get someone from the office to contact them and have it taken down. It’s not like it’s a scandal or anything, but I would just rather not have pictures of Zac at that time or his personal business being circulated on the internet, even if they don’t mean anything by it. It’s just a respect issue. Let me know what you guys think and I’ll put the wheels in motion_

_-I_

My forehead contorted in confusion. I scrolled down to the beginning of the email exchange and read what it was that Ike was talking about. 

_From: Isaac Hanson_   
_To: J. Taylor Hanson, Zac Hanson_   
_Re: They’re at it again_

_Hey guys, so I stumbled on some stuff online about Zac in treatment. There are pictures of him outside the center and information about his diagnosis. I probably shouldn’t have been looking anyway, but now I’m riled up._

_-I_

I knew that Zac didn’t like to talk about his time in treatment, at least not to anyone but Kate and Ike and sometimes Avery. It definitely wasn’t something I understood. When I had been about fourteen, I asked him about it, finally sick of trying to overhear conversations and piece everything together. It turned into the longest conversation I have ever had with my brother. 

“I know I was young when it happened, and I guess Mom was just trying to protect me.” 

“Yeah, but it’s nothing to sweep under the rug. It happened to me. I know I don’t talk about it a lot but it’s not something I mind talking about, I promise. But yeah, you were pretty young.” 

“So like...what was wrong? You wanted to lose weight?” 

I had heard the terms anorexic and restriction tossed around in the phone calls Zac had made from the treatment center in the spring of 2009. I would always scurry down to the basement and pick up the phone, catching the tail end of his updates. I, of course, knew what anorexia was. But I only knew it as some mythical disease from TV shows owned by dancers and waifish girls with razor sharp collarbones. It wasn’t something that affected boys, and definitely not my brother. 

“No, Zo-bug, it’s a little more complicated than that. I learned a lot in treatment about how sometimes your brain makes you think things that aren’t true, like...sometimes it might make you think that the world doesn’t need you and it might be better if you disappear. Not eating, or making myself throw up, was a way to disappear a little bit at a time. If that makes sense.” 

“Yeah...I think it does. I just...I guess I just never realized it was happening” 

“Well that’s another thing that your brain does when you’re sick with this particular thing. It makes you really good at hiding it from the people you love the most. It tricks you into believing that it loves you more than your family does.” 

It sounded terrifying. When Zac had come home later that spring, his face had filled back out and even his hair looked healthier. 

“So you got better in California?” 

“I did, but it wasn’t over, exactly. The center just gave me the tools to start the real journey, which is now. There are days that are harder than others.” 

“Thanks for telling me.” 

“Thanks for asking me,” he said, with a genuine smile.

I still didn’t really understand it, and maybe I never would. I didn’t understand how someone with girls screaming his name at every tour stop could ever think that the world would be better if he just disappeared. But I was grateful for the conversation, and for his honesty. 

I clicked the link Ike had sent in the email, taking me to a corner of a fan website with pictures of Zac outside the treatment center. My breath caught in my throat. I guess I was just so used to how he looked now, and I had been so young and carefree when he left, that I had completely forgotten how different he looked. It wasn’t even that he was skinny, it was all in his face. He had dark circles around his lifeless eyes. I closed out of the site as quickly as I could, feeling like I had just seen a ghost. 

I heard keys jangle and looked up at the clock, realizing it was 9:30 and already time for Zac and Kate to return home from their date night. I flew out of the office and flopped down on the couch with a book in my hand just as they entered the living room. 

“Welcome home, guys!” I said, sounding overly cheerful. 

“Thank you so much, Zoe, seriously, You’re a God send,” Kate said quietly. 

“You know, that’s exactly what Natalie said to me the other day. Good to know,” I said with the brash over-confidence I had somehow acquired in my teenage years. Zac smirked before offering to drive me home. I had walked over earlier this evening, but now that it was dark out, I took him up on the offer. 

“So...excited for summer?” He asked, breaking the awkward silence in the car. 

“Yeah, I guess. I kinda want to take a trip or something.” 

“That would be fun. I’m excited to get back on the road.” 

“Oh right...tour.”

“Yep.” 

I wanted so badly to bring up the emails I had seen on his computer, but there was no way to do that without admitting to blatant snooping. Zac pulled up outside the house and thanked me again for the last minute babysit. 

I went inside, after noting that Mac’s car was not in the driveway, and went straight up to my room and opened my laptop. I clicked around the fan website that Ike had linked my brothers to until I found the pictures of Zac in San Jose again. I went back to the main menu and clicked the contact option. I’d get those pictures taken down.


	4. Chapter 4

#### What are you doing up?

I jumped at the sound of my facebook messenger pinging. I looked down and saw Courtney’s name, my friend from church. Right below the message I saw that it was already two in the morning. I typed back. 

#### I’m done with school for the year. I don’t have to be up in the morning. 

That wasn’t the whole truth. I rubbed my eyes, suddenly noticing how dry and tired they were. I had been on the computer for hours without quite realizing that time was slipping away into the night. My computer pinged again. 

#### You’re homeschooled, weirdo. You don’t ever have to be up in the morning. 

I smirked, wondering why she cared so much, and decided quickly not to try and convince her that in order to be done with my schoolwork at a reasonable hour every day, I actually did have to get up fairly early. I logged out of facebook without saying goodbye, and my eyes fell back to the fansite that I had been scouring moments before. A few hours ago, I had composed a message to send to whoever ran the site that was completely honest and transparent. I typed out that I was Hanson's younger sister, Zoe, and I, as well as my older brothers, felt very uncomfortable with their inclusion of the pictures from the treatment center. 

I was about to hit send when I realized how pathetic that made me look. I didn’t want anyone to think that I spent my downtime looking at fansites for my older brothers. I had my own life. I deleted the whole message and began again, this time anonymously. I sent it, and the website automatically went back to the homepage. Suddenly I couldn’t stop scrolling. 

My brothers had been famous for as long as I had been alive. I didn’t know, when I was much younger, that not everyone had older siblings whose faces were plastered all over young girls’ walls. It was just...normal for me. But because of their long career, there seemed to be an infinite amount of pictures and words to look at, and I knew that this was only one website out of many. There were pictures of the band, but also of Nikki, Natalie, and Kate. There were pictures of all the kids throughout the years, pictures of Avery with girls (followed by paragraphs of speculation), and a few pictures of me from my instagram. It was public, after all, so I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised. I wondered what the fans thought of me. 

I hadn’t realized how long I had been scrolling and clicking until Courtney messaged me, and I realized that I should probably just go to bed. I would check back tomorrow to see if the pictures had been taken down. 

I also made a note to take a few good pictures tomorrow for my instagram, to give them something new to post. The last picture of me they had was from weeks ago. 

***

“Wow, I thought I was the only child in the family that could sleep past noon,” Mackie said as I wandered down to the kitchen. “What’s up, sleeping beauty?” 

“Oh just taking advantage of the summer, I guess,” I replied, rubbing my eyes and gazing over at the kitchen clock. “Hey, it’s only 12:15, cut me some slack.” 

Mackie chuckled in response and went back to composing a text. I sat down next to him after I poured myself a bowl of cereal. “Brunch,” I muttered towards him, hoping for a laugh. I swirled my spoon around in the bowl, realizing now that the food was in front of me, that I didn’t have much of an appetite. “Hey Mac?” I said quietly, and he perked up to meet my eyes. 

“Yep.” 

“Have you ever seen any of the fansites?” 

“What, like Hanson sites? Yeah. When I was younger I would look at them. It’s like a rabbit hole we all have to go down at least once in our lives.” 

“So Jessie and Ave too?” 

“Yeah...I remember Avie and I went on a pretty long binge session one time when I was like...I don’t know...13 maybe? I don’t really remember. But it’s addictive. I would check them a lot back then.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, why?”

“No reason, just wondering. I stumbled on one last night.” 

“Stumbled or went looking?” Mac said, with a knowing gaze. I knew that if I tried to lie, he would figure it out right away. 

“I went looking. You know me.” 

“I do know you, better than most. I would say to stay off of them.” 

“I mean...obviously.” 

Mac went back to his phone and once I could tell he was distracted enough not to notice, I trashed my cereal and put the bowl and spoon in the dishwasher. I poured myself a cup of coffee, a habit I was probably too young to already have, and went back upstairs. I figured I should probably get ready for the day since it was already after noon. It had taken me no time at all to regret telling Mac that I had spent time on that website last night. I wished I hadn’t, but it was so hard to keep anything from my brother. He knew everything about me. He was always the first one I called when I had some little bit of information, or the first one I texted when I felt annoyed at other family members. I stood looking in my full length mirror, fussing with my hair until it laid just right, when mom walked in with a laundry basket. 

“I’m doing lights,” she announced to my shamefully messy room. “You should clean.” 

“I’m going to today,” I replied quickly, deciding that very second to tidy up. I scrambled around to find clothes I wanted washed and dumped them in the basket. 

“You slept pretty late, are you feeling okay?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just stayed up late watching TV. It’s summer now.”

“I guess you’re right, just don’t make it a habit.”

“Oh, I won’t, Mom. I promise.” 

Mom turned and walked out of the room. I was so often told that I was just like her, not just in looks, but in personality as well. My mother was strong and stubborn and definitely the leader of our family, and for whatever reason, I had a crippling need for her approval. Always. Maybe it was the homeschooling, but I needed her to be proud of me, which is certainly why I started tattling at such a young age. I would rat my siblings out whenever they did anything questionable, and that was rewarded with a smile and nod. When I was ten, there was so much to tell my mother about Avery. So much so, that later in life I would look back and realized I ruined the promise of a perfectly good friendship with my sister in order to be my mother’s minion. Maybe it was because I knew how hard she worked to keep everyone happy, or at least to make them appear happy. Maybe it was because I knew my older brothers (especially Mac) were far from the perfect children. Maybe it was because Zac had been so broken, and had admitted to it, something that people in my family simply didn’t do. Maybe it was because Avery had broken her heart a few years ago, sending her into a spiral of panic and prayer, not to mention days of damage control to try and stifle the rumors that flared up around town. I never wanted her to cry over me or my choices. I wanted her to be proud of me. I needed her to be proud of me.


	5. Chapter 5

The next few days I spent almost exclusively with Mackie, soaking up our time together before he went back to California. His visits were always too short in my mind. After spending almost every moment practically attached at the hip while we were growing up, time between his trips home stretched on like the long roads he had to drive down to get back to Tulsa. 

“You should come back with me. I know you love a road trip just as much as I do, and it’s been a while since you’ve been out there,” he suggested casually one afternoon, while we were sitting downtown drinking iced coffee, something that, now that we were a bit older, had become a daily routine. It was true, I did love being in a car and watching the scenery fly by. Maybe it was because I had spent a lot of my time as a child on a tour bus with my brothers, before they became adults. It was normal to me, which is why I never minded long drives. I preferred driving to flying any day. 

“I would love that. I’m itching to get out of Tulsa lately, I’m not sure why…”

“Because you’ve been here for a while, that’s why.” 

He was right. I hadn’t been doing much travelling lately. Plus, I had a feeling that mom wouldn’t go for it if I asked. 

“I was planning on swinging by Oklahoma City and visiting Avery before driving back,” he added, which made me nearly choke on my coffee. Now I knew I would never get mom’s approval. I didn’t think I would fair very well when I asked to spend some quality time with the two black sheep of the family. 

“Um, I don’t know if it’s a great idea for me to come with you, in that case.” 

“Oh come on, Zo-bug. That was years ago, she’s over it. She’s not mad at you.” 

“How could you possibly know that?” 

“I talk to all of my siblings.” 

I chuckled a bit at that. I wondered what that was like. I talked to Mackie every day, at the very least we would send each other a couple texts. I was pretty close with Jessica, since she was in Tulsa and always seemed to be hanging around the house with mom. Since my three oldest brothers had children now, they were forced to talk to me more, since I babysat so much for them. I wondered if we would ever hang out if I wasn’t their convenient nanny. 

“I’ll ask Mom. I do kind of want to have an adventure or something this summer. I’ve been so bored of Tulsa lately.” 

It was true. I missed the excitement of going on the road with the band, even if I had been very young. The memories were still there, and certainly I had idealized them in my head now, but that still meant that I loved going on a road trip. Especially if it was with my best friend. There definitely was the issue of Avery, though. ‘

***

_I wracked my brain, searching for a time when I had seen my mother this angry. I wasn’t sure I could come up with anything. I had heard stories from Mac about when Taylor told my parents that Natalie was pregnant, and how my mother had flown into a rage. But I had only been four. I had no memory of it. I watched from the stairs as she paced around the living room, raving to my father about how when Avery got home she would be in trouble. Avery had been acting strangely lately. She had been scurrying around the house as if she had a secret, and spending more and more time with her friends. And now, this. She hadn’t come home at all and it was well passed midnight._

_The next morning, I grabbed a book and went out to the porch, if only to remove myself from the wrath of my mother. I didn’t want to get caught in the crossfire. When my mom was angry, she liked to clean, and I hated cleaning no matter what emotion I was feeling. The last thing I wanted was to be handed a dust rag or vacuum while my mother was fuming. I wondered if Avery knew what she was in for. Surely not._

_I heard the crunch of gravel and looked up from the chapter I was finishing. It was Avery, pulling into the driveway. Even the way she inched the car forward made me think she was ashamed of something. She got out and walked towards the door, visibly annoyed at my presence._

_“You know Mom is going to kill you when you go inside, right?” I said boldly. I couldn’t help the small smile that crept to my lips, as though I was proud of some triumph._

_“I figured,” Avery nodded down at me and matched my smile. She had never been incredibly confident. I, the classic youngest child with the loud voice and even louder laugh, sometimes wondered if Avery minded getting lost in the shuffle. She always seemed to fly under the radar, even when she did things that would have gotten me in trouble. But this, she couldn’t escape. “Maybe you’ll get my room once she kills me,” she continued, “Haven’t you always wanted it? It’s bigger than yours.” Her eyes flashed with brazen determination. We were all a little bit too good at snark in this family._

_“Funny, Avie,” I said, and rolled my eyes. “But at least I’ll make sure to take care of the room.” I smiled up at her._

_“I’m sure you will,” she grumbled as she walked passed me into the house. I wasn’t really sure what Avery had been up to the night before. I slipped in a few moments after her, ascending the stair and hearing mom use Avery’s full name, a sign that she meant serious business. I went into my room but kept the door open, seeing Avery rush passed into her own bedroom and slam the door._

***

I couldn’t stop thinking about possibly going with Mac back to California, even if it was only for a few days. I was feeling so restless, especially now that school was done for the year and I didn’t have much to occupy my time. But I couldn’t even imagine asking mom. I decided to wait. 

I trudged back up to my room and opened my laptop. I had added a selfie of Mac and I the other day, and sure enough, when I went to the website I had been lurking on for the past week or so, I saw the picture near the top of the queue. We had taken it in the park on a beautiful sunny afternoon. I clicked further to look at the comments. 

_Puberty has been kind to Zoe._

My forehead crinkled with confusion as I read it, and then read it again. What did that even mean? I wasn’t sure if I should take it as a compliment. 

_Zoe is gorgeous! Look at that hair!_

That one made me smile, of course. I subconsciously flipped my hair over my shoulder. It was, in my opinion, my best feature. 

_These two are so cute._

_Poor Mac, lol._

_Why do you keep posting pictures of the siblings? I don’t care about them and it’s weird. Can you just post pictures of the guys please?_

Well, at least there were a few nice comments in there, I figured. I felt a strange dissonance in my head when it came to the last comment. Sure, that was reasonable. It was kind of weird, after all, for them to be posting pictures of us when we weren’t even a part of the band. But at the same time, I wanted them to keep all the pictures of me up. I was important, too. 

I left an anonymous comment in reply to that one: _Keep posting pictures of the family, I love to see what they’re up to!_

I wasted some time scrolling through Facebook before checking back again. There was a reply. 

_Okay, weirdo._

I laughed out loud, filling the empty room with my glee. _If only they knew,_ I thought playfully to myself. I once again clicked the “reply button.” 

_Zoe’s instagram is public. It’s not like she’s hiding her selfies. The same can’t be said for some of the pictures on this website, but I digress._

A few minutes passed by before another reply appeared. 

_I just don’t understand why we have to be subjected to the selfies of an insufferable, teenage girl when I could hop onto instagram and see the same picture posted by every sixteen year old in the country. What’s the point? Show me pictures of the band, please. I’m not a fan of the family, I’m a fan of the band._

I was on a roll now. I couldn’t stop myself from replying yet again. 

_Okay, then why do I have to subjected to pictures of Zachary in treatment when that is very clearly a breach of privacy and not something he ever wanted anyone to see. Zac is a very private person. Those pictures made me uncomfortable and I’m sure him seeing the pictures on this website made him incredibly uncomfortable as well. Whereas a selfie of Zoe is completely harmless. I feel sorry for you that a selfie of a pretty girl upsets you this much._

My breathing and heart rate quickened as I typed. 

_Oh please, Zac doesn’t look at this website._

I once again laughed at the response. 

_Keep telling yourself that._

I slammed my laptop shut.


	6. Chapter 6

“Morning, Mom,” I greeted my mother as I walked into the kitchen, immediately gravitating towards the coffee pot. 

“Good morning, sweetie. I’m glad to see you didn’t sleep until the afternoon today.” 

“Yep, got up bright and early.” 

“Nine isn’t exactly early, but it’s definitely better than noon.” 

I sat down at the kitchen table, where Mom was organizing my homeschool assignments for the past few weeks, and sipped my coffee cautiously. I wanted to ask her about driving back to California with Mac, but I was scared to do so. My brain told me to lie, in order to achieve her approval. It’s what I always seemed to do, and I very rarely got caught. It was never huge lies. Just bending the story enough so that she would give me the go ahead. 

The previous evening, Mackie had tried to psych me up for the conversation. He knew my crippling need for validation, especially from my mother. 

“Just...don’t even ask her. Tell her you’re going with me.” 

“You make it sound so easy, Mackenzie.” 

“It’s easy when you’re the black sheep.” 

I barked with laughter.

“Haven’t you noticed that we’re a family of black sheep?” 

I peered down into my coffee cup and jiggled my leg nervously under the table. Any other sixteen year old wouldn’t be scared to spend time with their brother. But then again, I was basing my comparison off of teen dramas on Netflix. 

“So...um...I think I’m going to drive back to California with Mackie.” 

Mom peered over the papers, straight into my eyes. 

“What makes you say that?” 

“Um...the fact that I’m going to do it?” 

“You haven’t asked me.” 

“Well I thought it might be okay since it would be with Mac.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Mom, please?” 

“Zoe, I’ll think about it. The more you nag me the less likely I’ll be to say you can go.” 

“Fine, fine.” 

I huffed loudly and went up to my room. I hated fighting with my mom. It created a pressure in my chest that stayed until we talked about it later, both with tears in our eyes, fiercely apologizing to each other for overreacting. We were close, my mother and I. Of course we were. I was her baby, and I was the only one that was still with her after six other children had flown the nest. Sure, she doted on her battalion of grandchildren, but I was still her little girl, which is why fighting felt like such a weight inside of me. I never wanted to make her mad, but sometimes it felt inevitable. Especially now that I was growing up. 

Once I was up in my room, I texted Mackie furiously.

#### Mom isn’t going to let me go to Cali with you, surprise surprise. 

I flopped down on my bed while I waited for a response. I was already bored of the summer days stretching out before me.

#### Lame!!

I knew there was one tactic that might work. Even though my mom held all the cards in the Hanson family, there was one thing that we, the children, had going for us. power in numbers.

#### Tell me about it. Think you can talk to her?

I waited while Mackie typed his response.

#### Yeah I will. Maybe I can get Ike to pull the big brother card and tell her to cut the cord a little bit. 

I snorted at that, before realizing how good of an idea it was. It helped to have brothers who were also already parents to add some perspective when Mom was being unreasonable. I was sixteen, after all. 

***

_“What are you doing in here, Zoe?” I hear my father ask from the doorway, his voice stern. I berated myself. I thought it had been too early for him to be home already, but I had lost track of time on his computer._

_“I was just playing online.”_

_“Did Mom say you could?”_

_“Yeah,” I lied, quickly closing the tabs that had been open. I had taken it upon my eleven year old self to research just what was wrong with my brother, Zac, since no one was telling me outright. He had been gone for a whole month, and the only thing that I knew was what I head in eavesdropped telephone calls. Earlier that night, I gone with my Mom to have dinner with Kate. Mom was doting on Kate lately, since she was all alone with Shepherd, and made it a point to go over to her house at least once a week._

_Dinner had been painfully quiet. Kate was shy anyway, and the forced quality time didn’t help her loosen up. I didn’t even remember the first time I met her, since she was already a part of my brother’s lives by the time I was cognizant. I was only four when Taylor got married, and by that time Zac and Kate were already dating. She was so different from who I was as a person, even as an eleven year old. I was loud and brash and never scared to speak my mind, all qualities that I shared with the same brother who was her husband. I could count on one hand the number of one on one conversations I had had with Kate, and none of them were exceptionally stimulating._

_I excused myself to go play with Shepherd in the living room, but I could still clearly hear the strained conversation at the table. I waved different toys in front of Shepherd’s face as my mother began to pry._

_“How are you holding up, Katie?” She asked sincerely. You couldn’t accuse Mom of not caring, that’s for sure._

_“I’m okay. It’s tough without Zac here only because of Shep, but...I have plenty of help. You included.”_

_“Oh, it’s no problem at all. If you ever need any time out just drop him off at our house. Zoe has already taken to him. She’ll be old enough to babysit in no time.”_

_“Yeah, that’s a relief. We can always use more.”_

_“She’s great with the kids.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Have you talked to Zac lately?”_

_“Yeah we talk every day. I let him know you were coming over tonight, and he sends his love, of course.”_

_“And you’re okay...with him...gone?”_

_“What are you getting at, Diana?”_

_“Honey…” I could hear my Mom turn on her maternal voice, attempting to calm Kate, whose voice was beginning to rise slightly._

_“No, I want to know what you’re trying to imply? That I’m mad at Zac for going to California and saving his life? Because no, I’m not. I can manage for a few months without him if it means I get to keep him around for the rest of my life.”_

_“Katie, that’s not what I meant.”_

_“I actually think it was. I don’t understand the point of attempting to pit me against my own husband who happens to be incredibly vulnerable right now.”_

_“It’s just...I still don’t understand why he had to leave the state, Katie. That’s all I’m trying to get at. I just don’t think it’s very responsible.”_

_“Haven’t we been over this already? Because I’m pretty sure we have, unless I am extremely mistaken or delusional. Zachary needed to leave. He needed to get the best treatment out there for the very real problem that he has.”_

_I was sure that I wasn’t supposed to be hearing any of this. I thought about scooping Shepherd up and taking him to his room, but I couldn’t tear myself away. It was strange. Usually when I caught wind of someone disagreeing with my mother, I jumped to her defense instantaneously, even though I was too young to understand most of the disputes. But for some reason, I felt the urge to side with Kate. Someone I barely even knew, even after all these years._

_“We could have taken care of him just fine.”_

_“Last time I checked, Diana, you are not a doctor, nor are you certified in treating anorexia.”_

_“He never had a problem when he was living at home with me.”_

_Kate barked with laughter, clearly knowing something that my mother did not._

_“That’s funny. Alright, I think it’s time for you to leave. Thank you so much for coming over.”_

_“Katie…”_

_Kate burst into the living room and picked up her son, looking at me with angry tears in her eyes._

_“Thank you for coming over, Zo-bug. Come over whenever you want, sweetie,” she said quickly before bounding up the stairs. Mom shooed me out the door and didn’t say a word to me the entire drive home._

_As soon as we got back to the house, I scurried into my father’s office and wiggled the computer mouse, bringing the desktop to life. I typed in the word “anorexia” into the search bar and waited patiently for the results to load. I clicked the first link._

_“Anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by weight loss (or lack of appropriate weight gain in growing children); difficulties maintaining an appropriate body weight for height, age, and stature; and, in many individuals, distorted body image. People with anorexia generally restrict the number of calories and the types of food they eat. Some people with the disorder also exercise compulsively, purge via vomiting and laxatives, and/or binge eat. Anorexia can affect people of all ages, genders, sexual orientations, races, and ethnicities.”_

_So that was it? That was the reason my mom and my sister in law had been fighting? Just because Zac wanted to lose weight? I was more confused than ever. Everyone wanted to lose weight, it seemed. I had even heard Natalie and Nikki talk about dieting and going to exercise classes. It didn’t even phase me anymore when someone at church complimented a anyone who came home from college having lost weight._

_There had to be more to it._

_I clicked back into the search history and was about to dig further when my father caught me on his computer._

_“Sorry, Dad. I was just playing around. I’ll go back upstairs.”_

_“Just ask me next time, Zo-bug.”_

_“Okay.”_

***

#### I texted Ike. He’ll be over for dinner so maybe we can bring it up to Mom. 

I loved when my brother was in problem solving mode, especially when it benefitted me.

#### Thanks brother! What are you doing right now? 

I already knew he was probably out with friends. How did he have so many? I still didn’t understand. Just another reason to be slightly jealous of my siblings.

#### Out and about. I’ll see you for dinner. 

I sighed and flopped back down on my bed, already anxious about the forthcoming conversation. I had nothing to do but wait. I logged onto my computer to see what the fan site had posted today.


	7. Chapter 7

I heard the doorbell ring downstairs and flew down to the front door to welcome my oldest brother to the house. I always got along incredibly well with Ike, but I would be hard pressed to find anyone who didn’t get along with the oldest Hanson sibling. He was so kind and supportive that sometimes it was a little jarring. 

“Hey Zoe!” he exclaimed as he wrapped me in a warm, sincere hug. Isaac hugs were the best. He was never the first to pull away and always made you feel safe, no matter what was going on around you. “How’s summer so far?” 

“It’s barely started but so far...pretty boring. I babysat for Zac and I’ve hung out with Mackie but other than that...same old, same old, I suppose,” I explained while giving Nikki a quick side hug. They had just dropped the boys and the baby over at Zac’s house for the evening. I didn’t mention that I had spent some of my time reading my brothers’ emails and lurking on a fan website in the evenings. 

“Well you should be thankful for some downtime. Time to relax, and read...focus on new projects.” 

I smirked at my brother. I remembered so many family arguments (most of which I had overheard) where Taylor or Zac would blame Ike for being a pessimist. But to me, he was always incredibly positive. Sometimes to a fault. I sometimes wondered if it was to cover up his own worries and fears. If any brother was a pessimist, it was dear Mac, who would, if left to his own devices with a few beers in his system, complain for hours about the band’s success and strange cult-like following. 

“She’s done enough relaxing already, it’s time for some excitement!” I heard from the stairs, and turned to see Mackie, as though I had conjured him with my thoughts. 

We made our way to the dining room table, where Mom had already set out water glasses for everyone. Isaac ventured into the kitchen to give her a kiss on the cheek while Nikki snaked her arm through mine. 

“Isaac told me you want to go with Mac to California this summer. I think that’s a great idea. I’ll work on Diana.” 

“Oh...gosh, thanks Nikki, but it’s really not a big deal if I can’t go. I don’t want to make it a big argument or anything.” 

“I know, I know, but I want you to have fun. You’re sixteen. Your brothers had been all over the world by the time they were sixteen.” 

She had a point.

“And if you need some money to do something fun while you’re out there, we can let you babysit and...you know...actually pay you.” 

“Nikki, seriously, it’s not a big deal. I just wanted to spend some time with my brother. It’s not like...some huge rebellion or anything.” 

I appreciated her support, and wondered why she was being so adamant about it. I made a note to ask her later, out of earshot of my parents. Before she could say anything else, Ike and Mom emerged from the kitchen with a few serving dishes heaped with more food than the six of us could ever dream of eating. 

“Could you grab plates for everyone, Zoe?” Mom asked as she arranged all the food on the dining room table. 

“Sure thing,” I responded, smirking at my mom for always making dinners when any of my siblings came over an event. I grabbed some plates and handed them over, Mom scooping generous portions onto the first plate and shoving it back into my hands. 

“Mom, I can serve myself! I probably won’t even eat that much anyway,” I said quietly, not trying to draw attention to myself. Mom didn’t even respond, but pushed me towards my seat as she started on the next plate. I plopped myself down in my customary chair, and began picking at my food while the rest of my family was served. 

“How has being home been, Mac?” Isaac started, never shy about getting a conversation going. There was never a silent moment when it came to my brothers, but especially when Isaac took the lead. I looked over at him across my still steaming chicken and potatoes. He was in a crisp button down shirt and black slacks, holding his knife and fork in a dignified matter. He was so...grown up, even when compared to Mackenzie, who was in jeans and a t-shirt and slumped over his food

“It’s been pretty good so far. I’m just trying to see everyone.” 

“Want to come back to the studio tomorrow? We’ll have some downtime if you want to record any demos.” 

“You sure, man?” Mac was incredulous, and rightly so. While Ike fostered Mac’s musical career, Taylor and Zac often didn’t give it the time of day. I had heard all about it from my closest brother throughout the years. I hated how upset he could get, and I couldn’t begin to count the times I would talk him down from a bout of anger. He hid behind his silly, laughing facade - making jokes about being the fourth Hanson brother and using it to pick up girls, but I knew how much he hated it. 

“Yeah, why not? Just bring whatever you need. I can probably twist Tay or Zac’s arm to do a drum track or two.” 

“Um...uh, yeah that would be great. Thanks.” 

“Of course.”

Mac couldn’t hide the smile on his face. As much as he prided himself on being the outcast of the family, he loved to be included. I flashed a grin in his direction, and right on cue, he looked up at me and returned it. 

“Oh that will be lovely, Mackie!” Mom exclaimed from the head of the table. “You’ll have to let us listen when you’re all done.” 

“Yeah I will, totally.” 

“Wonderful.” 

“This is great. I know downtime is good too, but now this trip will have been at least a little productive.” 

“Seeing your family is plenty productive,” a booming voice from the other side of the table made us all jump. My father was a man of few words, but he always let us know when he had something to say. 

“Right...I know, Dad. Sorry.” 

“So…” Isaac continued, never allowing the flow of conversation to lag too long, “When are you heading back to California?” 

Mac quickly glanced over at me, as if to tell me to get ready. His eyes screamed _let me and Ike do the talking_ , and I was completely fine with that arrangement. I knew if I opened my loud mouth, I would probably only hurt my cause. 

“Well I’m not on any sort of tight schedule but I was thinking this weekend.” 

“You drove here all by yourself, right?” 

“Yeah. It’s a long drive, but I don’t mind making it. I love driving. Being alone is kind of boring though, I have to admit.” 

I snuck a glance up at Mom, who was still cutting small bites of chicken and eating them slowly. 

“Yeah, I can imagine. I would hate that. I have to have someone to talk to,” Ike said, looking lovingly at Nikki, who smiled at him. “You should bring Zoe along on the way back.” I couldn’t believe how casually it slipped out of his mouth, as though the thought just came to him as he was putting his final bite of food into his mouth. I swung my gaze over to Mom, who looked up and zeroed in on Isaac. 

“Oh that’s a great idea,” Nikki chimed in, “When I was sixteen I went to New York with my girlfriends from school and it was amazing. It was just...the coolest experience.” 

So that explained her excitement over the prospect of me going. I often wondered if any of my brother’s wives missed their previous life, before being tied down to musician husbands and a tribe of children.

“Well I’ve travelled before…” I began but stopped quickly when Mac nudged me under the table, reminding me of the plan. 

“Yeah and you could let her drive a little if you get tired. It would be safer,” Isaac said, emphasizing the last word ever so slightly. 

“It would be great to have someone on the drive with me, definitely. I get super bored. Wanna come Zo-bug?” 

“I know this isn’t the first time you boys have talked about this. I raised all of you, you can’t pull a fast one on me,” Mom said from the head of the table. 

“Mom, come on…” Mac started, interrupted by Isaac’s hand, signalling him to stop talking. 

“I just think it would be good for both of them, Mom. I was just making a suggestion. Zoe is out of school and Mac needs a driving companion. I know you don’t like to be left at home by yourself, but Nikki and I will be around, and we’ll bring the kids over as much as you want.” 

Mom heaved a heavy sigh. 

“Fine. You can go.” 

She immediately started clearing plates as I exchanged a triumphant look with Mac, before realizing I had barely even touched my dinner.


	8. Chapter 8

“Whatchya doin’?” I asked my brother, as I flopped down on his bed. 

“Just working on a new song. Wanna hear it?” Mac answered, looking up from his guitar. 

“Of course!” 

He cleared his throat and picked out the intro. It was a really lovely song. I loved singing and could play piano well enough, but it was my brothers who all got lumped with the musical talent of the family. Mackie included. His voice was killer and he could pick up anything with strings and figure it out within a matter of minutes. It was a shame that he was so much younger than our other brothers, because, in my totally biased opinion, he would have fit in perfectly with the band. 

He finished up the last chorus and I applauded generously but genuinely. I was always so impressed by his talent. All I wanted was success for him. 

“That was awesome.” 

“Really? I’m not really completely sure about it yet. I like the verses but the chorus and the bridge...I’m not quite there yet. I don’t think, anyway.” 

“I thought it sounded great…” 

“Thanks but...I don’t know. I guess I’m my own biggest critic.” 

“That’s probably normal, right?” 

“Yeah, I guess.” 

If I had been anyone but his little sister who had known him my whole life, I would have suggested he go to Isaac or Taylor or Zac for advice when it came to songwriting. But I knew better. He wanted to do it all on his own, and I couldn’t really blame him. 

I sighed deeply and leaned back on my elbows. Sometimes, especially when I listened to Mac play or looked over at one of Avery’s paintings, I became frustrated with myself. All of my family members had passions, but nothing had struck me yet. I liked putting outfits together and I devoured the pages of fashion magazines, but it didn’t make me feel the buzz in my veins like music did to Mac (that was how he described it, at least). Just another reason to hate being a teenager, I supposed. 

“What’s up?” Mac asked, noticing the exhale.

“Nothing just...you know...the daily existential crisis.” 

He chuckled and put down his guitar, joining me on the bed. “Oh my God, you are so dramatic.” 

“Tell me something I don’t know, Mackenzie.” 

“No seriously, are you okay? You’re being weird.” 

“I guess...I don’t know sometimes I wish I was good at music or art or something. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, ya know?” 

“You’re sixteen.” 

“Yeah, exactly! I mean...by the time Zac was sixteen he had already put out two major records!” 

“You have three other siblings who didn’t do that by the time we were sixteen…” 

“You know what I mean.” 

“Yeah, of course I know what you mean. I’m the fourth Hanson brother, remember.” 

I smiled, grateful that no matter what happened in my life, Mac would understand me better than anyone. 

“Let’s not freak out about your future quite yet. Let’s just get our butts to California and have some fun away from Hanson central.” 

“Yeah, maybe that’s just what I need.” 

“I can guarantee that it is exactly what you need.” 

I heaved myself up off of the bed and made my way to the door. I needed to get going. I was babysitting for Ike and Nikki tonight (with the promise of actual cash at the end of the night) so that they could have dinner out on the town. 

“Hey…” Mac stopped me before I could leave the room. “It’s okay that we go see Avie, right?” 

I sighed yet again. I wanted to spend time with my brother and I definitely wanted to get away from Tulsa, if only for a little while. 

“Yeah, of course.” I resigned myself to the fact that we were going to see my older sister, whether I was ready to or not. 

***

_"He takes amazing photos, they are all around his room and I kind of maybe want to be his muse someday. He's already mine even if I haven't drawn him yet. God I sound like such a lovesick idiot."_

_I stopped in my tracks on my way to my room. Avery was in her room with her best friend, Juniper. Avery was a talker when she got going, just like Ike, but I hadn’t heard her talk quite this freely in some time. I rolled my eyes. I was still too young to understand what love was and why it made Avery feel the way she did. Jeremy didn’t seem all that great to me._

_"Yeah, you kind of do! Which means you should probably end this relationship with Jeremy before you really hurt him,” Juniper responded to my sister, and I could hear the smile in her voice. She sounded thrilled to be hearing such juicy gossip from sweet Avie, who never seemed to do anything wrong. My eyes widened. So the boy she was talking about wasn’t Jeremy? My sister was cheating on her boyfriend? This all seemed wrong._

_Avery was never the one to get in trouble, or do anything wrong or questionable. That was Mac’s territory, or even my older brothers who had plenty of stories about their time in Los Angeles that I had overheard in my days as the snoopy little sister. And yet, here she was, talking about cheating on her boyfriend only days after getting in trouble for staying out all night. Something was changing in this family, and I didn’t like it._

_"I know. But it's complicated. I can't hurt him because he's a good guy and he seems to really love me, though I know cheating on him is going to hurt him too if he finds out." Avery sounded like she was in real pain. This was affecting her, even if she was the guilty one._

_“No kidding,” Juniper replied._

_Avery and Juniper discussed how the break up would happen, and if the door had been shut, I would have scurried past to my own room. I was about to turn around and go back downstairs when something made my ears perk up yet again._

_“Just going to some themed dance party at that gay club downtown. Figured you wouldn't like it since you don't do parties. Got be the good girl even if you are cheating on your boyfriend,” Juniper laughed at Avery, who I guessed was scowling playfully at her friend. My face contorted with confusion. My sister was cheating on her boyfriend and asking about a gay club downtown? What was happening to her?_

_“Oh hey Zo-bug,” Juniper said casually when she saw me right outside the door, pulling me out of my thoughts. I peered past her into the room and saw Avery’s face pale with worry. She knew how much I loved to eavesdrop._

_"How long were you standing there you little menace?"_

***

#### Hey sis. I’m driving back to LA with Mac and I think we’re gonna come visit you on the way. Is that cool? Just want to make sure. 

I sent the text before I could second guess myself. I knew Avery, who was always complimented for being kind and forgiving, would tell me it was fine. But I wanted her to be honest. If it wasn’t fine, I wanted to know. I paced around my room, waiting for her response. 

I flipped open my laptop, reflexively typing the fansite’s address into the browser. I scrolled mindlessly through the past few days, even going back over pictures I had already seen. I had been checking the website every day, sometimes twice. I clicked the “Zoe” tag, and was suddenly inundated by pictures of myself, some from when I was way too young to remember being photographed. 

My phone buzzed with my sister’s response.

#### Of course, Zo! I’ll see you soon :) 

My anxiety about seeing her loosened it’s grip ever so slightly. Maybe seeing her wouldn’t be so scary, after all.


	9. Chapter 9

_It was April and the daffodils were finally blooming. It had been a cold spring, and I was waiting patiently for my favorite flowers to show their yellow faces again. I was out in the yard looking at them with a silly smile on my face when I heard the gravel crunch. I turned quickly and saw a truck coming up the driveway._

_It was Zac’s truck._

_My brother was behind the wheel. This wasn’t the longest we had ever gone without seeing him. He and Taylor and Ike toured constantly, and I was used to going long stretches in between visits, but for some reason, these few months had felt like years. He flashed a smile towards me from the driver’s seat, and put the truck in park._

_“Hey Zo-bug!” He called, hopping out of the truck and making his way over to the patch of daffodils I was sitting in front of. I shot up from my spot and met him halfway, and before I could realize how uncharacteristic it was for both of us, Zac was scooping me up in a huge hug._

_“You’re back!” I squeaked from deep in the embrace. I didn’t know why, but I felt tears spring to my eyes. My vision blurred momentarily, and I quickly closed my eyes to regain my composure._

_“I am!”_

_“For good?”_

_“Yeah, for good.”_

_“Are you all better?” I asked. My arms were still around his neck. Neither of us pulled away._

_“That’s not really how it works, Zo. But I am back. I promise.”_

_I snuggled my face into his shoulder and let out a sob, causing Zac to tighten his hug. I never mentioned this reunion to any of my other siblings, and Zac never brought it up again. Sometimes I wondered if it really happened. When we finally loosened our grip on each other, I ran towards the door, Zac trailing behind me casually, his hands in his pockets. I flung the front door open and yelled into the house “ZAC IS HOME!” Mom came from the kitchen, looking confused, and dissolved into a weepy greeting, just happy to have her son back in her house._

_My brother looked different than before, but I couldn’t quite place it. When I had hugged him, his grip was tight, and that also felt different. There was something about his face that had changed. Something about his eyes. If I had been older, I would have said that his face had filled out, his cheeks no longer hollow and sunken. His eyes looked different because the dark circles under them had lightened considerably. Even his hair looked thicker, which seems impossible considering it was only a few months, but the body heals quickly when given the chance. I was far too young to notice Zac’s weight loss before he left for treatment, especially since it happened over the course of a few years, but I was old enough to notice that when he returned there was light bouncing off of him. Rays of light streamed from the front door and made him look like an angel. But one I could touch. One that was real._

***

I spent the whole day with Courtney at the mall, shopping for clothes I didn’t need for my upcoming trip. We wandered through store after store, and after doing a sufficient amount of trying on and purchasing, made our way to the food court for sustenance. 

“I should probably get a job,” Courtney mused as she wolfed down her lo mein. “This shopping habit isn’t very sustainable.” 

I chuckled and looked at the bags taking up the additional two seats at their table. I got a few sundresses and a new bathing suit, hoping that Mac and I could have a beach day while I was out west. I wasn’t sure what our plans were or even how long I would be staying. I still needed to ask my parents for a plane ticket for the return flight. I had picked the most colorful and flattering dresses, imagining the pictures I would take in the golden California light. 

“Oh, sunglasses! I want a new pair of sunglasses,” I said, interrupting Courtney’s story about a girl at school who got a job serving at a restaurant downtown. 

“We’ll grab those on the way out. We should probably limit ourselves before we do too much damage.” 

“Yeah, you’re right.” 

“What about you?” 

“What about me?”

“I’m really thinking about getting a summer job! You would have plenty of time when you get back. We should get one together.” 

I rolled my eyes, but somewhere deep inside I was thrilled at the prospect. It would mean time out of the house, away from my family. Time with friends and people who weren’t a part of Hanson headquarters. It would also mean I could start having a little bit of my own money. A little bit of independence. 

“Maybe. I babysit a lot.” 

“Oh right, your brothers have like...a thousand kids.” 

“Yeah they have quite a few,” I said with a smirk. 

“That’s fair. That’s good money, too.” 

I didn’t correct her and tell her that I very rarely got paid for my child watching services. Nikki had started paying me a little, just because she wanted me to have spending money for my trip. Sometimes I envied Everett and Monroe. Their mother would never make them feel bad about wanting to be regular teenagers. 

“Yeah, and my brothers are going on tour in August so I’m sure I’ll be called upon a lot at that point to watch the kids.” 

“Gotchya.” 

“Okay, let’s go get those sunglasses and get the heck out of here. I can’t stay in malls too long, my brain starts going fuzzy.” 

We trudged through the department store at the end of the mall and finally found the pair of sunglasses I was looking for, before heading out into the sun and feeling the warmth on the skin that had been subjected to over air conditioned shops for the last few hours. I always had a great time with Court, but I wanted to get home. 

The truth of the matter was, I was thinking about the fansite. 

I hadn’t told anyone - not Mac, not my older brothers, not even Courtney. But I checked the website twice, sometimes three times a day. I had gone back in its archives all the way, spending hours scrolling back through the years. I found every picture of me there was, smiling at some and scowling at others. It was so easy for me to pick out the imperfections on my face, or to make a note about how a certain piece of clothing was unflattering. I started making sure that every picture I posted online was absolutely perfect, and often people commented on how pretty I was in the recent photos. 

It felt good, to be complimented. Especially after years of living in the shadow of my brothers, something that only Jessica, Avery, and Mac would ever understand. 

As soon as I said goodbye to Courtney, I rushed upstairs and opened my laptop. My phone buzzed before I could type the address into the browser. I looked down at the screen and saw it was Zac calling me. 

“Hey?” I said, a slight question in my tone. I couldn’t even remember the last time Zac called me. 

“Hey Zoe. Um, so some stuff came up at the studio and Kate is out of town for a couple days. I was supposed to watch the kids while she was gone but…”

“Yeah I’ll come over, what time?” 

“Whenever you can. I need to get over to 3CG.” 

“Yep. No worries.” 

“You sure?” 

“Yep.” 

“I’ll pay you.” 

“You really don’t have to.” 

“Well, I’m going to. It’s last minute. Please tell me if you had plans or anything.” 

“I don’t have plans!! I’ll leave now, seriously. Don’t worry about it.” 

“Thanks Zoe. Life saver, God send, Angel, et cetera et cetera…” 

“See you in like fifteen minutes, weirdo.” 

I hung up the phone and closed my laptop. “Duty calls,” I said out loud to no one in particular. I shoved a book into my purse, even though I knew I wouldn’t spend any time reading it. The best part about babysitting for Zac was the big screen TV and the hundreds of channels he had at his fingertips. I bounded down the stairs and called to my mom, who was in the living room, letting her know I was heading over to babysit Shep, Junia, and Abe. 

“Have fun!” She responded. I made a mental note to ask her about the return flight when I got home that night. 

It was the golden hour outside as I walked towards Zac’s house. The sun was in my face, turning the whole world into a magical, yellow fairy tale. The lighting was perfect. I took out my phone and stopped in my tracks, taking a selfie to commemorate the beautiful evening. I’ll post that later I thought to myself, wondering what kind of comments I would get from the fans.


	10. Chapter 10

“Okay so, they haven’t had dinner yet because I’m a horrible father, but I ordered pizza and it’s on its way. I know it’s not the healthiest option in the world but...when mom’s away, dad forgets to cook,” Zac said hurriedly, moving quickly to pack up his computer bag with his laptop and earbuds. He stuffed a few file folders in the front pocket as well, slinging the bag over his shoulder. 

“Hey that’s okay! Pizza is always good in my book,” I replied cheerfully, Abe already on my hip. “Do you need me to watch them tomorrow, too? I don’t have any plans.” 

“I’ll let you know. I should be good tomorrow, this one is totally my fault. Website stuff I kept putting off...it was me procrastinating. But tomorrow...no, we should be good.” 

“Okay, yeah.” 

“I’ll probably be back pretty late. I’m so sorry to do this to you.” 

“I would be awake anyway. I’ll get these rascals to bed and then watch TV, easy peasy,” I said, tickling Abe’s belly enough to make him giggle. 

“Ugh, thank you. I’ll be back. Bye guys!” 

“Bye, Dad!” Shep called from the living room, where he and Junia were playing in the middle of a lego pile. I made my way over to them, looking at the clock. It was only six, but their bedtimes were pretty early. Zac was, surprisingly, a very strict father. It was when he was away on tour and Kate was in charge that the kids got away with more. 

“Zoe, can we watch TV while we eat our pizza?” Shepherd asked, his big brown eyes pleading with me, even though he knew I would probably cave. Zac's kids were surprisingly persuasive. 

“Hmmm...maybe.” I said slyly, smirking as I watched his face light up with the possibility. I put Abe down on the floor and went down the hallway to a linen closet, where I found a quilt near the back of one of the shelves. I tugged it out of it’s resting place and carried it back to the living room, where I laid it out in front of the TV. 

“What are you doing?” Junia asked, watching my every move. 

“Me and your uncle Mac used to do this all the time when we were little. We’re gonna have a living room picnic!” 

As if on cue, the doorbell rang and I went to retrieve the pizza. Zac had overbought, probably to try and make up for the fact that he had roped me into watching his kids last minute on a Friday night. I paid the delivery boy with the cash Zac had left me on the counter and carried the boxes, along with a few plates and sippy cups full of juice into the living room, spreading them out on the quilt. 

***

I crept back downstairs, after putting the kids to bed. The night had been a huge success. Shepherd and Junia were so excited to be having an indoor picnic that they forgot all about switching on the television, and they spent the meal babbling about the magic land they had created in their minds that afternoon. After we cleaned up from dinner, and I put the extra pizza in the fridge, I put Abe down and they invited me into their magical world. We spent the rest of the evening playing pretend. I made a note to tell Zac just how vivid their imaginations were. The two of them reminded me so much of myself and Mackie, and the adventures we would go on in our own backyard. 

Now that they were in bed, I made my way into Zac’s office, my plan from the moment I told him I could watch the kids that night. It was only 9 (usually their bedtime was earlier but all the excitement from playing had them riled up. I hoped they wouldn’t mention this to their father), so I figured Zac wouldn’t be home for another few hours. When he said late, he usually meant it. 

I wiggled the mouse and the screen came to life. 

Zac’s inbox was already open. I scanned through the last few emails, my eyes lingering on mail from my brothers, but nothing that made me want to click through. It just looked like business stuff that I didn’t necessarily care about. I scrolled a bit further and I saw an email from a Jenn Russell, titled “Checking in.” I clicked. 

_From: Jenn Russell_   
_To: Zac Hanson_

_Subject: Re: Re: Checking In_

_That’s great to hear, Zac! I’m sure the tour will be wonderful. I’m so glad everything is going well. Thank you for the pictures of the kids, they’re getting so big! To think, Shepherd was only a baby when you were here. Time flies. Bad thoughts are just part of the game. It’s what we do with the bad thoughts that matters. It was great to hear from you._

_Jenn_

I scrolled down to see Zac’s part of the conversation. 

_From: Zac Hanson_   
_To: Jenn Russell_

_Subject: Re: Checking In_

_Hey Jenn! Things are going well here. We are heading out on tour in August. Tour is always awesome but I have to admit, I miss everyone while I’m away. Speaking of, I’ll attach a picture of all my little rugrats. Other than that, everything’s going pretty well. My therapist here in Tulsa is good and at this point I’ve been with him so long that he can sense pretty well if things are starting to feel bad again. I’ve only relapsed a couple times since leaving treatment but sometimes I still have bad thoughts. Which, I know, is normal. Anyway, thanks for your email. You know I always appreciate your check ins. :)_

_-Z_

My stomach grumbled as I minimized Zac’s inbox and brought up the browser, going quickly to the fansite. I opened another tab and google searched Jenn Russell, finding that she was a doctor at the very same treatment center that my brother went to five years ago, which explained the email exchange. I was shocked to learn that my brother still went to a therapist. He never talked about it. 

I clicked around mindlessly for a while on the website before finding links to other sites, all boasting to be run by fans with inside information. I was shocked to see how many there were, with pictures from my sisters-in-law’s instagrams, which I knew were private since the moment they created them. Sooner rather than later, I was back in the rabbit hole. I found every picture of myself, and scoured the comment sections, looking for my name. Then I moved on to Mac. Then to Avery. Then to Jessica. I had no interest in looking at pictures of my oldest brothers. After all, they had a reason to be featured on the website, whereas we actually did not. And yet here I was, digging through years of photographic evidence of our existence. It felt good to see the pictures. We were there too. 

My stomach pleaded with me yet again, and I got up and moved towards the refrigerator, taking the box with me to the office. I had nibbled on a slice with the kids, but I didn’t want to indulge in something so heavy after the foodcourt lunch I had devoured this afternoon. But now I was famished. My stomach screamed with longing, and I felt like I couldn't’ stand up straight from the hunger bloat. Before I could stop myself, I downed two slices, immediately feeling regret well up inside of me. 

I looked around anxiously, and ran back to the fridge, stuffing the box back on the shelf and slamming the door closed. The sound echoed off of the kitchen cabinets and I looked up to the ceiling, hoping I didn’t wake the baby. After a few silent moments, telling me that Abe was still asleep, I made my way back into the office, but I couldn’t sit still. My palms were sweating and my heart rate was quickly rising. I couldn’t catch my breath, try as I did to gulp in oxygen. 

I had seen girls do it on TV before. I wasn’t stupid. I knew it was bad, but it felt like the only option. 

I ran to the downstairs bathroom and stuck two fingers down my throat, causing me to heave with no reward. Nothing came up, so I tried again and again. The sound of my hacking and sputtering covered the front door opening and Zac walking down the hallway. 

“Zoe?” 

I looked up, my eyes red and watering, at my brother.


	11. Chapter 11

_I met Mac’s eyes over the dinner table and stuck out my tongue at my fourteen year old brother. I loved Christmas at my house, especially when it meant I could stay up late with the rest of my family. I was so young compared to my siblings, especially those with wives and children, and so old compared to my nieces and nephews, but during the holidays I didn’t feel left out._

_Each of my older brothers had a baby this year, and I took turns holding each one. Shepherd was smiley and silly already, the oldest of the three. He locked eyes with me and giggled, causing me to look up at Kate with glee. She crinkled her nose and put her hand on my back, the three of us, myself, Shepherd, and Kate, caught in a beautiful moment of unadulterated joy._

_Dinner was, as always, loud. It’s hard for a holiday in the Hanson family to be anything but loud. We became a larger tribe every single year. I usually clung to Mac, having a conversation of our own, but this year we were seated away from each other at the huge table my parents always set up in the living room to accommodate the masses. I had a feeling that in a few years, they would stop trying to fit us all at one big table, but for now here we were. I was flanked by Ezra and Jessica, so it could have been worse._

_Once dinner was over, everyone started milling around and sipping drinks. Isaac broke out a board game and tried to wave me over, but I wasn’t interested. I noticed Zac slip away, as he was want to do at family gatherings. I wandered around until I found Taylor fiddling with his camera, sitting on the stairs up to our bedrooms._

_“What’s up, Zo?” He asked as I joined him. We had a perfect view of the gathering from our perch, which is surely why he was sitting there, his camera at the ready._

_“Oh nothin’. Family dinners are kind of boring.”_

_“Yeah, why do you think I always have a camera? Keeps me entertained, at least.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“You excited for Christmas, though?”_

_“I guess.”_

_“Well you certainly sound excited,” Taylor replied, sarcastically. I turned to him and rolled my eyes._

_“I’m just so much younger than everyone, I don’t know. It’s...frustrating,” I stated, sounding quite mature for my ten year old self. “You all have kids now, Mackie is a teenager...I just don’t really fit in right now.”_

_Taylor put his arm around me and squeezed, a gesture I appreciated even if I knew he would never understand._

_I stayed on the step even after Taylor left to rejoin the party, and watched as Nikki talked to Kate animatedly, as Ezra grabbed a few more cookies off of the table, as Mac and Avery snuck a few sips of wine. I watched as Zac came out of the kitchen, looking more than ready to leave, and I watched his awkward goodbye with Isaac at the front door._

_“Hey. We’ll, uh, we’ll probably get together after New Years, I think. If you’re up for it,” my oldest brother said, looking around awkwardly, avoiding Zac’s gaze._

_“Yeah, I think that...that sounds good.”_

_The next few sentences were too quiet for me to hear from my spot on the stairs, but after Zac and Kate and baby Shepherd made their way out and closed the door behind them, I saw Isaac scan the room for Taylor, and make a beeline for him. Those three were so in tune with each other, and I was sure the awkwardness between Isaac and Zac wouldn’t help anything in the studio or on stage. Zac had been acting strangely the last few times he had been over at the house. Just sulky and quiet, which wasn’t exactly out of the norm, but it seemed to put a bit of a strain on the other brothers and even more so on Kate. It was as if she had to act even more chipper and upbeat to make up for it, which always seemed forced coming from a naturally shy girl._

_I shrugged it off, and went upstairs to wait for morning._

***

I slid my fingers out of my mouth and tucked the hair that was caught in the spit dripping from the corners of my lips behind my ears. I looked at Zac over the toilet bowl, utterly and completely mortified. My own embarrassment was reflected in his face. We stayed there, silently gaping at each other, for a few painfully long moments. I sat back on my heels, unable to stand. My forehead was sweaty with exertion and anxiety. My eyes were red and watery. My throat was scratchy. 

“What the fuck, Zoe?” 

I couldn’t speak, which was unusual for me. I could almost always come up with something to say, even if it wasn’t anything of substance. Before I knew it, Zac was pulling me up by the elbow, and putting the lid down on the toilet. He sat me down on it and made sure all the hair was out of my face before wetting a washcloth and wiping my chin and forehead. He was kneeling in front of me with my face in his right hand as he carefully cleaned me up, concern clouding his brown eyes. 

“It’s not...it’s not what you think,” I finally squeaked out as he turned around to wring out the wash cloth. 

“You were kneeling in front of the toilet with your fingers in your mouth. I’m not an idiot, Zoe.” 

“I know you’re not…” 

His back was still to me as he continued. 

“I can’t let you do that, and you know it.” 

“I...I know.” 

“It nearly ruined my life, Zoe. It nearly killed me." Rage clouded his face. I had seen him get angry before, but never at me. It felt like bullets in my stomach. 

“Zac, I promise...I promise it’s not what you think. I...I just ate too much pizza and I felt sick. I felt like I was going to throw up anyway, so I thought I would just help it along.” 

Suddenly his expression changed. He looked as though he was going to cry, tears filling his eyes and threatening to fall at any moment. 

“Zoe, I’m not stupid. I did this too, okay? I did this exact same thing.” 

“But I’ve never done it before!”

“That doesn’t matter!” 

“I didn’t even actually throw up!”

“That doesn’t matter, Zoe!” 

I stood up quickly, my head swimming slightly from all the dry heaving I had done into the toilet, and left the bathroom in a huff, not wanting to fight with my brother about something he didn’t even know about. I gathered my things, slung my backpack over my shoulder, and trudged out the door without saying goodbye. The entire walk home, which I probably shouldn’t have been doing at this time of night, was plagued by thoughts of Zac. I checked my phone when I was back in my bedroom, seeing a few texts from the very same brother.

#### You left the browser windows up in my office. Call me tonight or tomorrow. 

I scrolled down.

#### I’m not going to yell at you or anything. So don’t be scared to talk to me. But seriously, Zo. You can’t keep looking at those websites. It’s a bad habit to get into. Those people don’t know anything about you and their opinions of you don’t matter. Trust me. 

One more.

#### Get some sleep and call me in the morning. We really need to talk. 

I rolled my eyes, mostly annoyed at myself for not closing out of the websites I was looking at before running to the bathroom to vomit, something I wasn’t even able to do properly. I couldn’t do anything right. Not even make myself throw up. I knew I shouldn’t be doing it. I knew it was wrong. And yet there I had been, shoving my fingers down my throat just like I had seen girls do in movies. 

I wondered who Zac would tell, if anyone. The shame crept up my body and turned my cheeks bright red, even though no one was around to gawk at me. I threw my phone on the bed and buried my face in my hands. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not like this.


	12. Chapter 12

I spread out a few outfit options on my bed, trying to keep my mind away from my brother, who was still pestering me to call him. There was nothing I wanted to say to him, though. He didn’t understand why I had done what I had (or at least attempted to), even if he thought he was the expert on the subject. I hid inside of my shame for the next few days, waiting for Mac to decide he was ready to drive home. 

I opened my top most drawer and found my bathing suits. I only had a couple. I tossed them both over to my bed, suddenly painfully aware of my body and the space that it took up. I didn’t understand how I hadn’t noticed it before. Before all the pictures on all the websites. Suddenly I was so sensitive to how I looked, no matter where I was or who I was with. The other night, I weighed myself, and before I knew it, I was checking the scale every single morning. I needed to get out of this house, and definitely away from my computer. 

“Hey, do you want to leave in the morning?” Mac asked, as if on cue. He had poked his head into my room, where I was blasting music in order to drown out my own thoughts. 

“Yeah! Let’s do it!” I replied, before realizing I sounded a bit too eager. 

“Cool. I’ll wake you up bright and early,” he said, with a wink, and bounded down the stairs. I ran after him. 

“Where are you going?” I called down to the first floor, where he was already standing in the front hallway. 

“Out.” 

“You’re always going out.” 

“Wanna come?” 

“Can I?” 

“Why not? Come on, weirdo.” 

I looked back into my room, where my clothes were sprawled across my bed spread. I decided I could pack whenever we got back, or even in the morning. I grabbed my purse and followed my brother. 

“I still need to ask Mom about the return trip,” I mentioned as I climbed into Mac’s car. 

“Taken care of, Zo Bug.” 

“What?”

“Ike had a free flight.” 

“Wow.” 

“Yep.” 

I sat in silence for a moment, grateful for my brother and the way he could just get people to do things. 

“Where are we going, exactly?” 

“Out downtown! Just meeting up with some friends for bowling.” 

“...Okay.” 

“What? You said you wanted to come!” 

“I...do, I do. It’s just. I don’t know.” 

“What? Scared Mom will find out?” 

“Well, yeah, kind of!” 

“Don’t worry Zo. You’re with me, it’ll be fine.” 

“That’s not exactly comforting.” 

My brother laughed loudly. “That’s valid. It’ll be fine. You need to like...I don’t know. I feel like you need to break away from Mom a little bit. You don’t have to be her minion anymore, Zo. You don’t have to spy on Avery. You don’t have to report back to her on me. You don’t have to eavesdrop on the phone…”

“I don’t --”

“Please.” 

“Okay, fine. What’s your point?”

“We’re all grown up and long gone, so you don’t have to be Mom’s little spy and report back to her anymore. You can grow up, too, you know? You can go do your own things without feeling like you need her approval.” 

“But...I don’t know…” 

“Trust me. I know the feeling. I think we all did, at some point. Some of us more than others. But seriously, Zoe, don’t feel like you’re only goal in life needs to be making Mom and Dad happy. If that was what we were all striving for, well...we have all failed.”

I looked over at my brother, a look of confusion still lingering on my face. I was pulled out of my daze when I felt my phone vibrating. I looked down and saw Zac’s number calling me. I rolled my eyes. 

“Who is that?” Mac asked, trying to peer over to see. 

“Zachary.” 

“Why?” He asked incredulously. He had a point. Why on earth would Zac be calling me? We barely ever talked, outside of greetings and goodbyes before and after evenings of babysitting. 

“I don’t know, he’s been weird lately.” 

“You can answer it.” 

“Nah.” I said, and declined the call, tossing my phone back in my purse. A few moments of silence followed before the buzzing started up again. 

“Jesus, just answer it. You know he won’t stop trying.” 

I reluctantly fetched my phone back out and answered. 

“Hey.” 

“Hey, Zoe. Where are you?” 

“I’m with Mac.” 

“At home?” 

“No, we’re headed...um...out with friends.” 

“What friends?” 

“Why do you care?” 

“Just wondering.” 

“You don’t...you don’t know them.” 

“Are you free to talk?”

“Zac, I’m literally in the car with Mac right now. No! I’m not free to talk. I’ll call you later.” I hung up the phone before he could get another word in. Mac looked over at me with shock scrawled across his face.

“Wow, what happened with Zac?” 

I looked over at my brother sheepishly, desperately not wanting to go into detail about my irrational episode over the toilet. He could very clearly see in my eyes that something wasn’t right. 

“Nothing, just our usual spats.” 

“The two most stubborn Hansons.” 

“You think?”

“I know,” he replied with a chuckle. I didn’t know if I liked that award, but I supposed he was right. If there was one person in the world that could outlast me, it was Zachary. “Do you want to like...get that resolved before we go in, or?”

“It’s really not a big deal, Mac. Let’s just...just forget about it, okay?” 

“Okay,” he said as he pulled the car into a spot right outside the bowling alley. He got out of the driver’s seat and ambled inside, me right on his heels. 

I was pulled into a group of people who all seemed to know Mac and who all looked familiar. That’s what happens in a town like Tulsa. It’s not small enough for everyone to know each other’s names, but you become aware of everyone that runs in the same circles as you. I knew some of these faces from Mac’s pictures on instagram, and some from church. 

“Hey Zoe!” A cheerful voice called out, walking over to me from the snack stand, a fresh beer in hand. “I didn’t know Mac was bringing you!” 

The voice belonged to Madison, Mac’s friend from infancy. This happened a lot in my family. We had friends because they were the children of my parent’s friends. All my closest friends I had known since before I could remember, even if many of them didn’t live in Oklahoma. Madison was Mac’s age so they had been thrown together by our mothers pretty early on. 

“Hey Madi! I didn’t know you were home!” I replied, matching her cheerfulness. 

“Yep. Just for the summer.”

“How’s college?” I asked. 

“It’s good. I’m almost done, which is crazy.” 

I wondered what she was planning to do after school, but I didn’t have the courage to ask her. It seemed rude, and if there was one thing we were taught in our family, it was being polite. True, I could be outspoken, but I also knew when to shut up. 

After the small talk died down, I went and got some bowling shoes and ball, glancing down quickly at my phone. I had 5 missed calls from Zac. I sighed heavily, and began to play.


	13. Chapter 13

I rubbed my eyes groggily, the sound of raised voices down the hallway. I leaned over and glanced at my phone, seeing that I had undoubtedly turned off my alarm in my sleep, a habit I hated myself for. It was already 9 am, and Mac and I had made a sleepy promise to each other last night that we would get up bright and early at 7 to hit the road, and if we were tired, we would just fill our systems with caffeine until we were practically buzzing. I groaned, annoyed that we had already messed up our haphazard plans. I texted my brother, not wanting to get out of my bed quite yet. We had stayed out pretty late.

#### Whoops. 

My head fell back onto my pillow and I closed my eyes, trying to decide whether or not I should just give myself back over to sleep or if I should get my act together and try to get on the road. My mind focused on the voices outside my room. There was definitely mom. Dad. And Zac. 

_Oh shit._

My eyes snapped back open, a wave of energy coursing through my limbs. Zac was in our house, unannounced, and that could only mean one thing. He was ratting me out. I couldn’t deal with this. Not now. I was supposed to already be two hours away from Tulsa. I stopped myself from bursting through the door and tackling my brother, angry that he would betray our unspoken sibling code. We had to stick together, didn’t we? Maybe this was some cosmic payback for all the tattling I had done over the years. _Especially about Avery_ , I thought with a guilty pang in my stomach. 

I pressed my ear to my door and listened to the conversation, trying to make out what they were talking about. I heard Zac rambling, going off on some tangent. People always got on Ike for being the long-winded one, but I always thought Zac to be the most talkative. Maybe it was because he was comfortable with talking for as long as possible with his family members. We let him talk, and we listened. I only caught the tail end of it.

“I just need to talk to her before she goes. I don’t...I don’t think she should go at all, but I know I’m not going to change anyone’s mind in this matter. Every Hanson girl has had to go off and have her little trip and that’s fine, I get it, whatever. Even though we all have traveled all over the country together. That’s not...that’s not the point, I get why she wants to go. I just need to talk to her.”

“I think she’s still asleep, Zac,” Mom said, concern in her tone. I could imagine Zac bounding up the stairs, my parents on his heels, trying to figure out what his purpose was. 

“Okay, well if you’ll excuse me, Mom...I’m gonna wake her up. And this is private, so please. Go back downstairs.” 

“Zachary.”

“Mom. Please.” 

Mom let out a sigh and I could hear Zac coming towards my door. I rushed back to my bed and got under the covers just in time to hear his timid knock on the door, which I didn’t respond to. He cracked open the door and looked in on me pretending to sleep. 

“Zo….” 

I stirred slightly, wanting to make my fake sleeping believable. I really didn’t want to talk to Zac, but I knew he would literally sit on the foot of my bed until I pretended to wake up. He didn’t back down easily. 

“Zo Bug,” He whispered, gently shaking my arm. I groaned quietly and opened my eyelids slowly. 

“What do you want?” I grumbled. 

“We need to talk.” 

“Jesus, Zac, couldn’t this wait until I was out of my pajamas?” I asked, sitting up and grasping the covers around me. I put my face in my hands, trying to wake up. I might have been pretending to sleep but I actually was still very tired. 

“No, it can’t wait Zo. You ran away so fast the other night and then refused to respond to me. I would have been fine doing this over text. I know how hard it is to talk about this kind of stuff face to face.” 

“There is no kind of stuff. Nothing happened. I didn’t even...I couldn’t even go through with it.” 

“You did go through with it. Your fingers were in your mouth.” 

“But nothing came up. I couldn’t even...do it right.” 

“See that, right there. You couldn’t do it _right_?! You have no idea how much phrasing it like that scares me.” 

“Zac, I promise. There is nothing wrong with me. I’m a teenage girl. I hate my body. That’s how it works.” 

Zac looked like I had just slapped him in the face. 

“Zoe.” 

“I really don’t want to talk about this. I have to wake Mackie up and we’re already over two hours behind schedule. And yeah...I’m going and you can’t stop me.” 

“I...never said I was going to try and stop you.” 

I realized that the rant Zac had gone on only moments before was not something I was supposed to have heard. I was still pretending to sleep at that point. 

“I know I just...I know.” 

I marched into Mac’s room and shook him awake. I hated how annoyed I already was. _Great way to start out the trip_ , I thought to myself, rolling my eyes. 

“Uuuuuuugh. Okay, okay, okay, I’m up. Lemme get dressed. Then coffee. Then the highway.” 

“We can get coffee on the way out of town. Come on let’s GO,” I said, while pulling on Mac’s arm. 

“Alright, calm down, Zo. Give me like...a minute here, okay?” 

I turned back around and saw Zac leaving my room and making his way downstairs. I gathered my things and slung my backpack over my shoulders. I hoped Mac wouldn’t fall back asleep. 

***

_I watched silently as my older sister walked down the stairs, a look of pure exhaustion on her face. Her hands were on her hips, and she looked older than she was, as though she had aged a few years in the span of days._

_“Where’s Jessie at?” She asked, when she saw me and Mac sitting on the couch comfortably, already hugging huge metal bowls of popcorn, awaiting the movie anxiously. Jessica had laid out a few options and I pointed excitedly at Dirty Dancing not knowing exactly what it was, but knowing that I loved watching people dance, a skill that my frame hadn’t quite mastered, even though I had now been in ballet class for a year. I couldn’t leap and skip quite as easily as the other girls in my class, but I loved watching other people, pretending I was them. Jessie squealed in delight, claiming that it was one of her favorite movies, and that I had excellent taste. Mackie groaned in exasperation, but Jessie insisted that this was payback for him always insisting that we watch The Goonies._

_I looked at Avery inquisitively, wondering if she was planning on watching the movie with us. A smile crept up on my lips. It was all just too easy. She was making it too easy for me._

_“In the kitchen with your girlfriend,” I said slyly, watching the blood drain from her face. My smile grew as I sensed her becoming more and more uncomfortable._

_“What?!” Avery responded, telling me that I had clearly struck a nerve. I had been waiting patiently to throw her that curve ball. I had an inkling that everything wasn’t as it seemed._

_“What our dear baby sister meant is Jessie is in the kitchen with your friend...who is a girl,” Mackie explained with a toothy grin. I snorted at his playful snark. “I believe her name is Paisley and she's the one our mom doesn't like for odd reasons.”_

_Avery began to breathe normally again and nodded. She turned and headed into the kitchen, where Jessie was popping more popcorn. I turned to Mac with a secretive smile on my lips._

_“She really is her girlfriend. I wasn’t kidding,” I blurted out._

_“What? What do you mean? She’s dating Jeremy I thought.”_

_“Nope. She’s definitely not.”_

_“You know...I would say you’re full of crap, but I know how good you are at what you do.”_

_“Thanks, I’m glad somebody notices,” I teased, playfully. Before I had time to divulge any more information, Jessie came back into the living room, her own bowl of popcorn in her hands, and settled down next to us on the couch._

_“Is Avie gonna watch with us?” I asked sweetly, holding the remote in my hands with anticipation._

_“I thought she was...but then her friend showed up, so I don’t know. How about we just wait for a second. We used to watch this movie all the time together and I don’t want her to miss the beginning. I know she loves it.”_

_“Are you sure we have to watch this?” Mac asked, giving it one more valiant effort before giving up and just watching the girly movie._

_“Yep,” Jessie answered with a triumphant smile._

_“Mac, let’s go get them,” I said, leaping up from the couch before my oldest sister could stop me. I grabbed Mackie’s hand, and led him to the kitchen, thinking we might be able to catch Avery in some compromising situation, thus proving my hypothesis to be correct._

_“Can you two come on already?” I asked, looking from Avery to Paisley, and back again. “Jessie refuses to start the movie without you guys in there.”_

_“We’re coming, we’re coming,” Avery responded, seeming a bit flustered. We made our way back to the couch, and Avery put her arm around me, pulling me close._

_“Paisley, right?” Mac asked behind me._

_“Guilty as charged.”_

_“What’s your favorite video game?” I rolled my eyes, and I felt Avery chuckle beside me. I looked up at her and for a moment it was almost as though there were no secrets and no tattle telling and no strain between us. We were just two sisters about to watch a movie._

_“Finally!” Jessie exclaimed, scooting over to make room for me and Mac, while Avery and Paisley hunkered down on the floor, a bowl of popcorn between them. “Press play, Zo Bug!!”_


	14. Chapter 14

I rested my forehead on the passenger side window, the glass surprisingly cool for such a warm summer day. My head was pounding. I felt dehydrated and was already tired of being in the car, a feeling that didn’t come easily for me. I usually loved road trips, and didn’t mind driving for hours (I had grown up touring alongside my brothers, after all) but right now, I would have given anything to pull off the road and go to back to bed. 

My stomach was twisting in nervous knots. We had only been on the road for an hour, and I knew there was only about thirty more minutes before I would be seeing my sister for the first time in a couple years. I still had a lot of guilt about Avery, but I tried to push it aside. 

“You can sleep if you want,” Mac suggested, noticing how tired I still looked, even though my iced coffee was nearly half gone. We had stopped at a Starbucks on our way out of town, the thought of making even the short leg of our drive without caffeine too daunting to bear. 

“It’s okay. We’ll be there pretty soon anyway.” 

“You okay?” 

“Yeah. I’m fine….Nervous. But fine.” 

“Don’t be nervous. You know that the angel sister has already forgiven you and doesn’t even think about that time in our lives anymore.” 

“How could you possibly know that?” 

“Because I know. You know Avery just as well as I do, and you know that she probably has the best heart of all of us. Even though Mom...might not think so.” 

I snorted at his remark. He was right. She was the kindest person I knew, and I wondered how everything would have played out if all of it had happened when I was a bit older and more accepting. I still struggled with Avie’s sexuality, even though I knew she was still just my sister, the girl with the heart of gold. 

“Mac, can I ask you something?” 

“Of course.” 

“You don’t think what Avery’s doing is like...a sin, do you?” 

Mac let out a loud laugh, and immediately attempted to stifle it when he looked over at me and saw that I was completely serious. I looked at him expectantly.

“Zoe...come on.” 

“I’m serious, Mac. I...I still feel like...I don’t know.” 

“Do you think it’s a sin?”

“Well...Yeah! Mom says it is, and she still prays for Avie every day to get better.” 

“Zoe, think about it like this. Avery loves her girlfriend. Like seriously...they have the healthiest relationship in this family, in my opinion. Do you think that’s a sin?” 

“...No,” I replied meekly. "I...guess...I don't know." 

“I know you still feel guilty about what happened, and I know it’s been a while since you’ve seen Avie. But I promise, Zo. It’s going to be fine. And this way...maybe you’ll get passed it. She has.” 

I turned my head back to the passing scenery and rolled my eyes, annoyed with how right my brother always seemed to be about stuff like this. My heart continued to pound until we pulled up to, what I assumed to be, Avery’s apartment building. 

“Maybe I’ll just wait in the car.” 

“She’s your sister, Zoe.” 

“Fine.” I heaved a sigh and opened the car door, sliding out carelessly. I looked up at the building. I wasn’t sure which window belonged to Avery, but I knew she was somewhere inside, waiting for us. 

***

_“What are you drinking?” I asked Mackie, trying to peer into his red solo cup while we waited for the sun to go down._

_“None of your beeswax, weirdo,” he replied, raising it higher so I couldn’t see inside. I was guessing it was beer smuggled to him by Taylor, the enabler. I pouted and jumped, trying to reach the cup. I knew he was only being a stupid teenager because the whole family was here, and he wanted to fit in with the older kids._

_I, on the other hand, danced around the yard with sparklers alongside Ezra._

_I would grow up loving the fourth of July because it meant memories of dwindling sunshine and lightning bugs and my older brothers setting off fireworks in the yard while we sipped lemonade. We loved holidays in this family, mostly because it gave us an excuse to all be together, the tribe assembling. This year, I was ten and the world was so big. I looked up at the huge Oklahoma sky, that was darkening quickly, and smiled widely, not wanting this night to end._

_“Want more lemonade, Zo?” I heard my sister ask. Avery was home from her trip to California, her best friend Paisley in tow. She was being exceptionally nice to me. We hadn’t had one sarcastic exchange the entire evening._

_“Sure,” I said, shrugging and turning back around to find another sparkler, since mine had burnt out. Before I turned the whole way, something caught my eye on Avery’s wrist. I pulled her hand close to my face. “What is this?”_

_“Just a little tattoo,” she said, trying to sound casual._

_“When did you get it?”_

_“When I was in California.” I narrowed my gaze at her. I had seen Paisleys wrist earlier this evening, a tattoo adorning the very same inch of skin that I had just inspected on Avery. A sun and a moon. I was still only a girl, but I was old enough to realize it was a matching set._

_“Cool,” I said, still calculating everything in my head._

_“Thanks. Here.” Avery handed me another cup of lemonade, as my brothers announced they were heading out towards the treeline to start setting up the fireworks. Ezra pulled on the hem of my shirt and showed me that his sparkler had also burnt out. I marched up to Natalie and asked for two more, which she lit with a smile. The family whooped and opened more beers, excited to get the home made firework show started._

_It was late when my dad nudged me to get going up to bed, my eyes already threatening to slam shut for the night. I nodded, noticing that I was leaning up against Isaac sleepily, who was nursing his beer and chatting loudly, paying me no mind. The brothers who had wives were all still up, drinking and laughing (except for Zac, who always seemed to disappear early at family functions). Jessica had gotten restless pretty early in the night, and a bit later I saw Avery and Paisley wander off, not holding hands until they thought they were out of sight. I stretched my tired arms above my head and scooted off the bench, waving as my family members called good night to me._

_I came inside, sunshine tired and sticky with dried sweat, and climbed the stairs slowly. I was planning on going right to bed, wondering if I even had energy to shed my clothes and change into my summer nightgown. I had to pass Avery’s bedroom to get to mine, and when I did, I heard sounds that all at once scared me and peaked my curiosity. I heard giggles and moans and deep, heavy sighs._

_I’m not stupid. I grew up in a house of older children, all who went through puberty under the same roof. I saw how Mac looked at girls, his teenage lust almost palpable. I saw Jessie look at boys and giggle, tuck her hair behind her ears, and blush. I was only four when my oldest nephew was born, and of course I asked questions. Sex wasn’t a secret to me. It couldn’t be._

_But this was different. I never knew that two girls could be intertwined, kissing passionately and moving in perfect rhythm. It made my cheeks burn to hear them, and yet I carefully cracked the door open, if only to catch a glimpse and prove my own ideas wrong. But there they were. My sister and her friend, naked and writhing, breathing heavily. They must have thought that everyone was still outside by the fire Zac had built after the fireworks. I gulped loudly, and stood there in horror. I had never seen sin. I didn’t know what it looked like._

_But this had to be it._

__***_ _

__The sound of the buzzer put me on edge, and before I could run back to the car, Mac put his hand on my arm, gripping it tightly._ _

__“Is that who I think it is?” Avery’s voice came through the tiny speaker by the front door._ _

__“It is!” Mac replied._ _

__“Don’t move, I’ll be right there!”_ _

__A few nervous seconds later, Avery burst through the door and flung herself into Mac’s arms. They laughed loudly, their brown hair flying as they flailed with excitement._ _

__“Hey Zo Bug!!” She exclaimed, with just as much excitement. I wondered if it was genuine._ _

__“Hey Avie,” I said shyly._ _

__“Come here, weirdo!” She said with a chuckle, pulling me into a huge hug. I was resistant at first, but I felt her tight hold, and returned it. She was my sister, after all._ _


	15. Chapter 15

I will never forget the night I saw Avery and Paisley having sex in Avery’s room. I would say it was an accident, but it wasn’t. I heard them, and I looked. I’m the one that turned the knob silently, a trick of the youngest sister trade, and peeked into the dark room, seeing my sister and another girl intertwined and panting, sweat on their faces. I regretted it immediately. My eyes wide and my hands shaking, I closed the door as quietly as possible, and scurried to my bedroom, pulling the covers over my head and shutting my eyes as tightly as possible. I never thought, in a million years, that my sister would be a sinner. I knew that she sometimes frustrated our mom. I knew that she was good friends with a lot of girls, and sometimes they seemed closer than any friend I had ever had, but I never knew that she would go against God so blatantly. In our house, no less. 

I remember my ten year old brain weighing my options. If it had been anything else...If I had seen her sipping someone’s drink or seen her smoking with Zac, I probably wouldn’t have tattled. But I had to. Mom had to know. 

It’s something that I have gone over again and again in my mind. What happened and why...why I felt the need to tell mom...why I put all of that energy into pleasing my mother just so I could ruin my relationship with my sister. I just felt like there wasn’t any other option. 

And yet, here was my bubbly, charismatic sister, almost never without a smile on her face, ushering us into her apartment building and up the stairs. I couldn’t help but smile. Avery oozed energy. She was just one of those people that made you feel excited and comfortable all at the same time. She babbled slightly as we followed her down the hall, clearly just as nervous as I was. 

“I don’t know how much time you’re planning on spending here but I was thinking, if you all hadn’t already eaten, we could all go to brunch. If you’re up for it! And only if you’re hungry. But there are a couple places around that we love to go, and I would love to take you guys. 

We. Us. She used the words so effortlessly. I wondered what that felt like. To be so in tune with a person that you become a unit. To be able to wake up and turn to your partner and say “Brunch?” and have them nod with sleepy glee. 

“That sounds good,” Mac said, looking at me for approval. I smiled, letting him know it was okay. “We didn’t really have breakfast and I’m starving.” 

“Oh, awesome! It’s just a few blocks away so we can walk, too. It’s so nice out. So...here we are. This is our apartment!” She opened the door and I was immediately struck by how... _Avery it was_. It was a pretty small place, but she made the most out of it. There was art everywhere, of course. It was all colors and sunshine, with plants blooming in the windows. 

“I’ll give you the grand tour! This is the living room…” she said as she led us around the small space. Right off the living room was the kitchen, with all sorts of letters and wedding invitations and birth announcements on the fridge. I lingered there for a moment longer than my siblings, looking at all the friends Avery had collected over the years. As Avery ushered Mackie into her bedroom, I heard the front door open. 

“Avie, they didn’t the tea you like but...oh...hey Zoe.” 

“Hi Paisley,” I said to my sister’s girlfriend, attempting to sound confident. 

Avery rushed back into the kitchen and helped Paisley with the grocery bags she was holding, unloading them onto the counter. 

“Pai, we’re all gonna go to brunch, so let’s just put this stuff away and then get going, okay?” 

“Yeah, sounds good babe.” 

I glanced around the kitchen, attempting to find something to look at other than Paisley. She hadn’t changed much since I saw her last. She had a young face that showed no signs of age, which made her seem even more like a ghost from my past. I fiddled with my phone nervously, Mackie nudging me and catching my eyes, making sure I was still okay. I smiled meekly up at him. 

The four of us made our way to the little cafe a few blocks away and put our name on the waitlist. It was a saturday morning, so the need for brunch was strong. I wanted nothing more than to sit immediately and shovel eggs into my mouth, seeing as I hadn’t eaten much the day before. As we walked there, Mac and I fell behind Avery and Paisley, who held hands and fell in step with each other. 

“Do you think she still hates me?” I muttered to my brother.

“Who?”

“Oh my God, who do you think??” 

“Oh, Paisley? Nah.” 

“She totally does.” 

“Calm down, play it cool sis.” 

“I don’t know how to do that.” 

“You guys coming?” Avery called over her shoulder, giggling back at us. 

When we sat down on the benches outside to wait for our name to be called, Paisley and Mac fell into a natural conversation (they always seemed to get along pretty well, now that I was thinking about it), leaving Avery and I to make awkward small talk. 

“So, how’s T-Town?” she asked me.

“It’s fine, I guess. Pretty boring. Tour is in August so hopefully I can go to some shows and I’ll definitely have some babysitting opportunities.” 

“Ah, yes. Tour time.” 

“Yep.” 

“How was H-day this year?”

“Crazy, as always.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there it’s just...well...you know…”

“Hey, you don’t have to apologize to me. It was fine, we always make it work. And yeah. I know.” 

“School going okay?” 

“Yep, it’s fine.” 

“Cool.” 

“Do you like it here?” 

“I love it! You guys need to come visit me more often, I mean...I’m only an hour away.” 

“Hanson, party of four?” The hostess called, causing us all to turn and look. When we went up to be seated, she gathered menus and turned to look at us smiling. “You know, they were my favorite band when I was little. I always giggle when I see that name on the waitlist. I’m sure you get that all the time,” she joked. 

“There’s a band called Hanson?” Mac replied sarcastically, and I elbowed him in the stomach. 

“Yeah, they’re brothers...maybe you’re too young to know them.” 

I snorted with laughter behind my hand as we sat down. “You’re terrible,” I said to Mac after the hostess had walked away. 

“I’m hilarious and you know it.” 

“Right.” 

***

_I woke up from a fitful sleep early the next morning, images of my sister and Paisley branded on the back of my eyelids, making real rest impossible. I got up and went downstairs to get a glass of water, and waited for my mom to appear. About an hour later she walked down to the kitchen to get breakfast going, and jumped at my presence._

_“What are you doing up, Zo Bug?”_

_“I couldn’t sleep.”_

_“Oh no! I thought you would be tuckered out after the party yesterday. You were up pretty late.”_

_“I know.”_

_Mom started a pot of coffee and surveyed the contents of the fridge._

_“Hey Mom?”_

_“What is it sweetie?” She asked, turning around and seeing my troubled face. She came over to sit with me at the table._

_“I need to um...I need to tell you something.”_

***  
The flow of conversation, thankfully, became easier as the morning wore on. Avery and Paisley ordered a round of mimosas while Mac and I slurped down even more coffee. By this time I was shaking in my skin from too much caffeine with not enough in my stomach to soak it up. I felt wired and almost too aware of my surroundings. 

Mac talked about his Tulsa friends and the music he was making out in LA. He mentioned Charlotte, throwing Avery a knowing glance, the meaning I couldn’t quite place. 

“Wow, I can’t believe she’s pregnant. Is she married?” 

“Yeah, she got married last fall.” 

“Gosh. Time flies.” 

“Yeah we’re all getting old, Avie Baby.” 

Avery snorted and turned to me, trying her best not to leave me out of the conversation. “So what else have you been up to this summer, Zo?” 

“Um not much really. Just like...church and stuff.” 

I saw Paisley roll her eyes quickly, almost too fast for anyone to see. I furrowed my brown in her direction. “Something wrong, Paisley?” I said before I could stop myself. 

“Nope, not a thing, Zo Bug,” She replied, taking a sip of her mimosa and emphasizing my pet name sarcastically. 

“Um so yeah...I’m thinking about maybe doing a mission trip later this year. A bunch of my friends are thinking about it.” 

“What is it for, to pray the gay away?” Paisley mumbled under her breath. I turned to her yet again.

“What was that?” 

“Paisley, come on…” Avery urged. My sister never wanted to get in a fight, but she was surrounded by her most outspoken and stubborn loved ones. 

“I just think it’s interesting that Zoe was even allowed to come see her lesbian sister when she still thinks we’re sinners.” 

“I never said that…” 

“Pai, come on, that was six years ago,” Avery attempted again. I could tell she didn’t want to cause a scene in the middle of a restaurant. “Can we just...can we just finish brunch and maybe talk about this later?” 

Paisley took a deep breath and looked my sister straight in the eye. They were so in sync, that it seemed like merely looking at Avery calmed her nerves and allowed her to breathe deeply. “Sure, babe,” Paisley replied. 

“Do you think that hostess would give me her number?” Mac said with a smirk, breaking the tension immediately. 

“Ten bucks says she won’t,” Avery said with a sly smile. 

“You’re on.”


	16. Chapter 16

We left the cafe, refueled and markedly less cranky than when we arrived. Avery sheepishly handed Mackie a ten dollar bill, both of them smiling widely and trying to stifle their laughter until they were out of earshot from the door. I couldn’t help but giggle along with them, not surprised that my brother had effortlessly acquired the hostess’s number. Paisley gave him a high five, her laugh the loudest of our little group. 

I sighed with relief. Maybe the tension would continue to ease. 

“So do you guys need to hit the road again, or what?” Avery said, casually holding hands with Mac and swinging her arms playfully. She seemed so happy. So unlike the girl she was during her last few months at home when she was trying so hard to cover up all her secrets. She seemed so...carefree. 

“We’re not really on any tight schedule, and now that we’re here…” Mac began, cutting himself off, knowing that he had promised me a short visit. I looked at him inquisitively. Maybe it would be okay if we stayed for the day. It hadn’t been too bad so far. Sure, a little awkward. A little forced. But we were sisters. We could get past it, right? 

“You can stay as long as you want!” Avery exclaimed. I could tell she was excited to have Mac around, and that having visitors was a treat. Paisley looked at Avery with something I could only describe as the happiness you feel when the person you love most is happy. 

“What do you say, Zo?” Mac asked, turning to me. 

“It’s your car, bud. It’s up to you.” I said, trying to hide my nervousness. 

“Our couch pulls out, too. You can spend the night and then get a fresh start in the morning,” Paisley offered, surprising me with her hospitality. 

“Oh gosh, please stay!” Avery squealed, bouncing up and down on her toes. “Just for the night. I miss you guys. I’m so disconnected from everyone except Zac. He’s the only one that ever comes and visits.” 

“Okay, okay, twist my arm,” Mac replied sarcastically. “After all, I have to text that cute hostess.” 

We spent the rest of the day being shown around Oklahoma City by Avery and Paisley, browsing around a farmer’s market, walking around downtown, stopping for even more coffee in the afternoon, and eventually making it back to the apartment where we were promised a home cooked meal. It was a lovely day, but pretty hot, and I was happy to change out of my sweaty t-shirt and wash my face. I had been to OKC plenty of times, but it was fun seeing it through my sister’s eyes. This was her home. She looked more comfortable and happy here than she ever did in Tulsa. 

While we were dawdling around the apartment before dinner, I noticed Mac furiously texting. I wondered if he was telling the hostess that he would be out and about tonight (I heard him and Avery discussing going out for a few drinks), but when I flopped down next to him on the couch, he quickly turned his phone over so I couldn’t see the screen. 

“Who ya textin’?” I asked curiously. “That girl?” 

“Um, no just talking to Zac.” 

My eyes widened. This morning felt like weeks ago. 

“What does he want?” 

“Nothin’, just checking in on us. I told him we were staying longer here than expected, and that Avery said hi.” 

“Lemme see,” I said, holding out my hand stubbornly. 

“I just told you the conversation,” he said, matching my intensity and pocketing the phone resolutely. 

“Fine.” 

I heard Avery humming quietly to herself and glanced up, watching her move serenely to the kitchen to begin cooking. I looked over at Mac, happy to change the subject.

“Things seem to be going okay,” I whispered so that Avery wouldn’t hear me. 

“Yeah, you all are playing very nice. I’m proud of you.” 

“I’m not just playing, I am being nice.” 

“True.” 

“I actually don’t think she’s still mad at me. I mean, I can’t really tell.” 

“You should probably just talk to her face,” I heard a voice behind me and nearly jumped out of my skin. Somehow, Paisley had come out into the living room and was picking leaves out of their potted herb garden by the window without us hearing a thing. I clutched my chest dramatically and threw an annoyed look to my brother. He snorted with laughter. 

“Didn’t see you there, Pai!” He said. How did he do it? How did he manage to dissolve tension so effortlessly. I would never understand it. 

“My bad,” she said with a smirk, and headed into the kitchen. I rolled my eyes. 

“She’s right, you know.” 

“Shut up, Mac.” 

***

The sun cascaded through the west facing windows as we ate our dinner, created from fresh ingredients the girls had purchased at the farmer’s market earlier that day. Mac steered the conversation, which I was incredibly grateful for, making sure we stayed mostly on the topic of his adventures in LA and the gigs he was able to play out there so far. He told Avery about the venues and the shows he went to see and how traffic there sucked, but everyone knew that. He said again and again how happy he was to get back, how Tulsa always felt a bit suffocating after the first few days. 

“You’re telling me,” Avery replied. 

“It’s ridiculous. Like, it’s so great to be there...see the fam, see my friends, go out a couple times, and then I feel like I’m being smothered.” 

“I completely agree. Granted, we left home for slightly different reasons but I would have left anyway, I’m sure.” Was Avery’s tone a bit pointed? I shook my head, convincing myself I was making it up in my head. 

“Are you planning on staying in Tulsa, Zoe?” Paisley asked, attempting to sound polite.

“I’m not sure. Probably. I mean...I’m not even done with high school yet.” 

“True. But sometimes it’s fun to dream.” 

“She’s got plenty of time, Pai,” Avery intervened, feeling the tension rise again between us. I felt like we were all just walking on eggshells, desperately trying to sidestep any words or looks that might crack the surface of pleasantries we had created. 

It was only after dinner that things actually started to fall apart. 

***

_“What is it?” Mom asked, after I told her I needed to tell her something in a shaky voice. I had considered keeping it a secret. Maybe I could just try my best to block in out of my mind. But I had barely slept at all. The secret was too heavy._

_“Um...I saw Avery do something last night. Something bad.”_

_“What do you mean, sweetie?” It was a power my mother had over all of us. She could get us to tell her everything, just by the tone of her voice._

_“Her and Paisley. I saw them...um…”_

_Mom’s brow furrowed, and she looked into my eyes with such intensity I thought maybe I wouldn’t have to confide anything. Maybe she could just see it in my eyes._

_“You don’t want to say, do you?” She asked me. I shook my head vigorously, fear clouding my blue eyes. “Okay. Were they together?”_

_I nodded._

_“What were they doing, Zo Bug? It’s okay, you can tell me.”_

_“They were um...kissing and...stuff?”_

_“Stuff?”_

_“Yeah. They weren’t wearing any clothes. It was dark so I couldn’t see everything but...it looked...um...it looked like things they shouldn’t be doing,” I finally choked out. I didn’t know how else to phrase it._

_My mom’s eyes flashed with anger, but only for a moment, before she placed a kiss on my forehead and held my face in her hands. “Thank you for telling me, Zoe. You did the right thing. Never forget that.”_

_“Mom...Zoe…” I jumped, causing Mom to draw her hands away from me, at the sound of my sister’s voice. “I’m surprised you two are awake so early,” she said as she mindlessly made her way to the fridge._

_"I am too actually but Zo couldn't sleep. Said something was troubling her and so she woke me up to talk about it. She should be fine now though,” Mom said with a comforting smile in my direction. I still couldn’t bring myself to wipe the look of pure worry off of my face._

_“Well at least she's better now," Avery replied. It seemed like she didn’t suspect a thing, which shocked me. How could she be so careless? Mom sauntered out of the kitchen and I heard her climb the stairs. I assumed she was wasting no time in telling Dad the whole sordid tale. I couldn’t stop watching Avery as she got bowls out of the cabinet, the cereal out of the pantry, the milk out of the fridge. I tried to look away, but everything I knew about my sister had changed overnight._

_She turned back around and saw me gawking. “Are you okay, Zoe? I mean...really is there something wrong? Because if you need to talk…”_

_“Nothing’s wrong!!” I cried, louder than I had intended, "Now can you please just go and be with yoarur friend and leave me alone," I said, a fresh wave of confidence washing over me. "Pretty sure the fun you had last night is probably still making you tired today."_

_“What does that mean?”_

_“Nothing. It...means nothing. Now please just go.”_

_Avery’s looked like she had been smacked, and I saw the wheels just begin to turn in her head. I also saw her look down at the cereal bowls and remember Paisley was upstairs. The person that was causing her to sin and betray her family. The person that was leading her to darkness._


	17. Chapter 17

_I heard the doorbell and raised voices coming from the living room, and I looked over at my brother, who was trying his best not to doze off. It was slowly but surely closing in on midnight, and Mac and I were in the basement watching cartoons. Since it was New Year’s Eve, bedtimes couldn’t exactly be enforced, so Mom and Dad let us stay up until they called us to the living room to watch the ball drop and drink a glass of sparkling apple juice while they toasted champagne with their church friends._

_When the yelling started, I knew the voices immediately. I couldn’t quite make out the words, but I knew the pitch and cadence of everyone in my family. Avery was home from a night out with her friends, and she was not happy._

_“Come up with me,” I said, nudging my brother awake. “I want to hear what’s happening.”_

_“Why?” He asked. He had been so hyper and silly earlier that evening, making me laugh so hard I could barely breathe, and now he was crashing. I pulled at his arm, wanting a second in command to my eavesdropping._

_“Come on!!”_

_We tiptoed up the stairs and put our ears to the basement door. I shook my head, this wasn’t enough. They were too far away from the door. Plus, it was a party (at least what my mom qualified as a party), so no one would notice if we emerged to see the scene that was unfolding. I scampered to the kitchen, falling in line behind Avery, who was stumbling over her own feet._

_“I'm so glad to see you remember Paisley, the girl you hated because you thought she'd corrupt me. But you know it's the damndest thing...I was already corrupted when I met her.” Avery was slurring her words and speaking as though she was addressing a large crowd, instead of a meager group of church ladies who were sipping my mom’s punch. I looked up at my mom, and saw her face flush with embarrassment. This was the last thing she wanted._

_The humiliation quickly dissolved into pure anger. The kind that is sharp and stinging._

_“You don’t understand what you’re saying,” she hissed at Avery, attempting to keep her voice quiet and maintain some semblance of calm. “You’re drunk.”_

_"But I do understand what I'm saying mom! "I'm a lesbian. I love girls..I love kissing them and I love fucking them and I loved girls before Paisley even. I'm even dating Cordelia you know. She was one of the safe lesbians right? I guess she isn't now though because I'm dating her and I love her I think though I'm still in love with Pai too.”_

_I gawked at my sister, who seemed to be absolutely going off the deep end. Mac and Paisley sprang into action. I must have missed their knowing glances at each other but I did feel Mac pull me along, telling me to stay behind Avery as she stumbled up the stairs, just in case she tripped._

_The next morning, Mom threw Avery out of the house. I was in my room when I heard her storm upstairs and start throwing things around her bedroom, pulling her suitcase out of her closet and slinging drawers open and shut. I walked out of my door and through hers timidly, asking her why she was packing._

_“Because mom kicked me out,” she said, angry tears in her eyes. "She kicked me out because I'm a lesbian. Just like she's the reason Paisley broke up with me."_

***

“Wait, you’ve got to be kidding me,” Paisley fired at me, her tone raising in pitch and intensity. “You really think your mom kicking Avery out was a good thing? You don’t want to think about that statement before you say it out loud?” 

“She was just trying to be a good mom. She’s only ever had our best interest at heart.” 

Paisley snorted loudly in exasperation and got up from the table violently, almost knocking her chair to the ground. I looked at Mac for help, but he was looking at his empty plate intensely, trying his best not to meet anyone’s gaze. 

“That is bullshit and you know it, Zoe,” Paisley spat out as she walked into the kitchen. 

“It is not. And...why are we talking about this anyway? You’re the one that brought it up! I’m sorry that I stated my opinion.” 

It was true. Paisley had been goading me all night, lightly brushing at the baggage from the past until it welled up inside of me and I blurted out that even though mom had thrown Avery out, she meant well, and she was only trying to help her daughter. 

“No. No, Zoe. That isn’t an opinion. That is a close minded parent not accepting their daughter for who she is. But I’m sorry, I forgot who I was talking to. Diana two point oh, over here. Just your mom’s little spy.” 

“Hey!” I said, trying to gain some footing. 

“You’re gonna deny that? Please. No one benefits from being kicked out of their own home. You can’t argue that point, Zoe. Don’t talk about things you don’t understand.” 

“Guys, please stop,” Avery attempted to calm us all down, but didn’t have much luck. 

“I WAS TEN!” I finally yelled, making the fight lose its rhythm. 

Everyone took a breath and looked around, in awe of where the conversation had veered to. “I was ten years old.” I continued, mustering a new wave of confidence from seemingly nowhere. I looked my sister dead in the eye. “I’m sorry Avery. I’m sorry that I told on you. I’m sorry that I saw you having sex with a girl and was scared and confused and I needed to tell someone. I was….I was ten. We all understand that right? But I’m sorry. I apologize. From the bottom of my heart.” 

I turned to Paisley, who had emerged yet again from the kitchen. “There. Happy?” I sat back down at the table and began eating my food again in silence. 

“Thank you, Zoe. That’s all I wanted. Seriously.” 

I noticed Paisley catch Mac’s attention out of the corner of my eye, and he got up from the table and started clearing plates, bringing them into the kitchen. I heard the two of them doing dishes, giving us a little privacy. 

“I know you were young. I understand that. That’s not...that’s not what hurt. It was that you saw me being thrown out of the house, completely lost and abandoned by the majority of my family, and you still were...proud of what you did. You still blindly agreed that Paisley was bad, and that we were sinners. You know me, Zoe. You know I’m not a bad person.” 

“I know...I know you’re not. I….” I struggled to find the words. “I guess I’m just...learning a lot lately.” It was an understatement. 

“Hey, I get it. I was so overwhelmed when I was eighteen just because of all the stuff I was learning about myself and my feelings. Growing up ain’t easy, kid.”

I looked at my sister, this beautiful ray of light that had brightened so many lives without ever asking for anything in return. I leapt up from my seat and hugged her tightly. “I just thought you were gonna hate me forever.” 

“I could never hate you, Zo bug. You’re my little sister! You know I love you forever.” 

“Love you too, Avie.”


	18. Chapter 18

We left the next morning, once again, later than we had intended. Saying goodbye to Avery was surprisingly difficult, and I promised her that I would visit again as soon as I could. Now that the awkward first confrontation was out of the way, next time would be easier. Paisley and I would probably never get along as well as Avery might hope, we were both just way too hard headed to ever truly get along. But she definitely made my sister happy. I couldn't deny that. 

“Sorry it’s taking so long to get to Cali,” Mac said early that afternoon, while we were scanning the exit signs for somewhere to stop for lunch. All I had in my system was coffee, a feeling I was getting far too used to, and my brain was buzzing. 

“It’s okay! I like road trips, you know that. We can take as long as we want and I’ll be perfectly happy. I just wanted to get out of T-town for a while.” 

“Now that I understand.” 

I looked out my window for a few moments, relishing in the silence. The album Mac had put on earlier had ended, and he didn’t start up a new one. Our soundtrack was the hum of the road. 

“So why did you leave? I mean...I know why Avery did. But you’ve never actually told me.” 

“What, why I left Tulsa?” 

“Yeah.” 

Mac snorted and rubbed his eyes underneath his aviators. “I think we all know I don’t exactly fit in in the family.” 

“Oh come on, that’s not true!” 

“I mean sure, I get along with everyone. More so than you, that’s for sure.” 

“Shut up!” 

He laughed openly, making me giggle. I was happy for the laughter. Everything had gotten so sentimental last night, and seemed to be staying so in the car. 

“I don’t want to get married and have a big family only to abandon them to go on tour and leave my kids so that my little sister can watch them for free.” 

“Wow Mac. Tell me how you really feel.”

“You asked.” 

“Yeah….Do you ever want to get married?” It was a simple question, and one which I was conditioned to know my answer to. I absolutely wanted to get married and have kids. Right? That’s what we all wanted. But I realized I had never asked Mac, and I was curious as to what he would say. 

He sighed deeply, and I could see the wheels in his head turning, attempting to escape the interrogation. His eyes shifted around the landscape in front of us. 

“I don’t think so.” 

“Really?”

“Why are you interviewing me right now?” 

“Because it’s a long drive...and I don’t know. I’m curious? We never talk about this kind of stuff. We usually just kid around and gossip about the rest of our family.” 

“I guess you’re right,” He replied with a smirk. “But yeah, I don’t think so. I don’t know. I guess I should never say never.” 

“Right.” I picked at my cuticles, wondering if Mac wanted me to keep talking. “Do you want kids, though?” 

Now let me just say that no matter how much time any of us spend away from each other, there will always be a connection between me and my siblings. Maybe it’s because we share the same facial features, causing our expressions to mirror each other’s perfectly. Maybe it’s because the cadence of our voices are the same, causing us to notice every catch in each other’s voices, every stumble over words, every misplaced breath. But in that quick moment, the length of a blink, I saw Mac grow uncomfortable and instantly bury it beneath his extroverted, charismatic veneer. 

“Don’t you think the rest of our family has that covered?” He said jokingly. If I had been anyone else, I would have believed his carefree attitude. Reveled in his comedic relief. But I was me, and I saw through it. 

I narrowed my gaze at him, wondering what he was hiding. Something was up. 

“Oh shit, can you grab that?” Mac said, when we heard his phone begin to vibrate aggressively. It was in his duffel bag which was in the back seat, and I had to unbuckle my seatbelt to retrieve it. I expected it to be Mom, trying to see where we were and give us some unsolicited advice. But it was actually Taylor, a goofy picture of him flashing up on the screen. 

“It’s Tay.” 

“Yeah, he said he was gonna call….hey!” He snapped at me and lunged towards the passenger seat when I answered the phone instead of handing it to him. “Give it to me!” 

“Hey brother!” I said cheerfully, surely surprising Taylor, who was expecting Mac. 

“Zoe?” He asked. 

“Oh, very good. You know your own sister’s voice. Yes this is Zoe.” 

“Why do you have Mac’s phone?” 

“Because...I’m with him?” 

“Oh. Um okay...Can you put him on the phone?” 

“Why are you calling?” 

“Just put him on the phone, Zo!” 

I rolled my eyes. “Okay, great to talk to you too, Tay,” I said sarcastically as I handed the phone over to Mac. I wanted him to put in on speaker so I could hear both sides of the conversation, but he didn’t. He lowered his voice as he began talking. 

“Hey...yeah, sorry. I didn’t know you would call I just meant like texting, I guess….Well I can’t really right now ‘cause. Yeah. Yeah she came with me. Can I just...yeah...can I just text you later, maybe? Okay, cool. Yep. Yeah, I know, I’m...yeah, sorry. Okay. Alright. Bye.” 

Mac hung up and dropped his phone in his lap, looking straight ahead at the road. I looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to explain the phone call to me. He said nothing, so I broke the silence. 

“...What was that about?” I asked, my voice much louder than Mac’s had just been. 

“What? Oh...nothing.” 

I barked with laughter, keeping my eye on Mac as he avoided my gaze. “That was not nothing! I have been spying on this family for years, I know when something is something. That was something.” 

“It wasn’t anything, Zoe, drop it!” 

“Just tell me, because you know better than anyone that I will find out. If more than one family members knows anything, I will find out.” 

Mac rolled his eyes dramatically and let out an exasperated groan. “God, you’re so annoying.” 

“I’m aware of that.” 

Silence descended once again. I looked out the window at the passing scenery, my stomach tightening around it’s emptiness. We should probably stop for lunch, or maybe more coffee, I thought to myself. I felt like I was buzzing out of my skin, but more coffee would be better than eating quite yet. It was still pretty early. I sighed heavily, so that Mac would notice. 

“And why was _Taylor_ calling you? You barely even talk to Taylor. Zac, I can understand. Even Isaac I can understand. But Taylor? What in the….” before I could even finish my sentence the wheels clicked into place and something dawned on me. Taylor. Mac. He kept bringing up Charlotte…

“Oh my god!” I said, everything making sense to me. Years of snooping and putting together bits of information to form a whole had trained me for moments like this. 

“What?” Mac asked, doubtful of my skills working quite so quickly. But I knew I was right. 

“Charlotte.” 

I saw Mac blanch. I had cracked it. “What about her?” He asked, once again forgetting that we share the same facial expressions, the same worried tone when hiding things. 

“She’s pregnant.” 

“Zoe, shut up, don’t...you don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“It’s yours. That’s why you asked Taylor to give you advice. But...she’s married!”

“Yes, okay, I KNOW. I know she’s married, Zoe, I went to the wedding. Shut up, please. You don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“But…”

“Shut up!!” 

More silence. I looked around awkwardly, the tension in the car thick and palpable. 

“Sorry,” I muttered, not knowing how else to proceed. 

“It’s...it’s fine.” 

“Do you wanna like...talk about it?” I offered. 

“Not really. I’m just...I’m just scared, is all. And mad at myself. And at us. That was just...it was just a really stupid mistake.” 

“Well, I have a feeling that someone in this family can help you out with this one. Stupid mistakes are kind of our thing.”


	19. Chapter 19

After a full day of driving and awkward silence, Mac announced it was time to start looking for a hotel to stay the night in, because he was too tired to keep driving. I nodded cautiously. I hadn’t necessarily done anything to make him mad, and yet he was shutting me out anyway. I hope that no one ever has to be around me and Mac when we are both cranky, tired, and cooped up in a car all day because I’m sure the heavy sighs and eyerolls were getting to be a bit too much. 

“Alright...home sweet home for the night,” he said as we rolled into a Holiday inn off of the highway. “Don’t tell Mom it’s taking us so long to get out there. We probably shouldn’t have stayed the whole day with Ave.” 

“Why would Mom care?” 

“Because she always cares.” 

“True.” 

We hauled our backpacks and duffel up to our room, surprisingly tired from sitting all day. When we got into the room, Mac asked if I wanted to order pizza, since we didn’t stop for dinner. I shrugged noncommittally. He threw me a look of annoyance. 

“Why are you mad?” I asked, unable to leave any scab alone. I just had to keep picking.

He sighed yet again and turned to look at me, setting his phone back down after ordering our food. “I’m not...I’m not mad. I’m sorry. I’m just stressed out about all of this.” 

“That’s understandable. You didn’t have to snap at me like that though. This is supposed to be a fun road trip.” 

“Yeah, I know. I promise tomorrow will be better. I guess I should...call Taylor back.” 

“What do you think he’ll say to you? Did you tell him what happened?” 

“Yeah, I did.”

“Can I...know?” I asked cautiously. I wanted to know the details, as usual. Mac looked pained, but figured it would be easier to just tell me now, since I would surely find out anyway. I had a knack for that kind of thing, after all. 

“Fine,” he said and flopped down on the bed next to me. I grabbed a pillow and held it tight to myself, leaning in as though I was at a slumber party with my best friends. “So...so Charlotte got married last fall, right?” 

“Yeah, I remember.” Mac had come home for the wedding, since he was still good friends with Charlotte and knew Luke, her new husband, as well. Charlotte’s sister, Amelia, was around my age and we were friends, but not super close. Mac had definitely been in a weird place for the weekend. I thought about it. Charlotte must have been his first ex to ever get married. 

“Well I went and it was weird. Don’t ever go to any of your exe’s weddings, it’s a really dumb idea. Even if everything is fine and you’re friends. It’s still...weird, I don’t know.” 

“Mmmhmm…” I said, nodding and not breaking our eye contact. 

“So anyway, she got married and that was fine. Not a big deal. But...we got coffee a couple days before the wedding and we hadn’t really been talking that much before then...since she was dating Luke and I was in California. Anyway...um...we kept talking you know...just as friends.”

I didn’t like where this was going, but I tried my best to keep the judgement out of my face. 

“So we texted a lot and then...well marriage wasn’t all that she thought it would be. Let’s just say that. So then...she visited me.” 

“Mackenzie.” 

“Shut...shut up Zoe, you don’t...you don’t understand.” 

“I think I do, actually.” 

“Let me finish!!” 

“Fine, go on.” 

“So she visited me a couple months ago and...things...happened.”

“Obviously.” 

“ZOE.”

“SORRY, okay go…” 

“I guess you can probably fill in the rest.” 

“Is she telling people it’s Luke’s?”

“Yeah, of course.” 

“Ouch.” 

“Yeah well, what are you gonna do? I would rather her tell people it was his than tell people it was mine. Can you imagine? Mom would have a cow.” 

“Hold on, aren’t you always the one who is telling me not to care what Mom thinks?” I inquired, raising my eyebrows even though I knew the answer. 

“That’s...different Zoe.” 

“It is?” 

“You’re driving me insane. Okay, I’m gonna order pizza then call Taylor. Just...do whatever you want.” He stepped out of the hotel room to place his calls, and I grabbed my laptop out of my backpack, searching for the wifi information on the placard by the bed. When I was finally online, I immediately went to the fansites that I hadn’t checked in a couple days, scanning them quickly before Mac came back. I knew I would only have a few moments. 

I had posted a picture on Instagram this morning of the three of us - Avery, Mac, and myself, and there already seemed to be a bit of a discussion about it blooming underneath the photo. Mostly people commenting about how nice we all looked, how happy and genuine our smiles were. From my time lurking, I had learned that Avery was well liked in the fandom, even though no one knew about her estrangement from my mother or the fact that she had been kicked out. She was so sweet to fans, though, that I couldn’t blame them for loving her. That’s just who she was. Mac...not so much. People complained about him being rude and sarcastic, and instances where he was blatantly rude to fans were pretty common. I had seen it happen plenty of times. This year was the first time we didn’t have him around for Hanson Day, and I had a feeling that his excuse was mostly made up. I knew how much hea hated that weekend every year, when our town was overrun with rabid fans, screaming the names of his older brothers, so when he said he had gigs that weekend that he couldn’t pass up, I wondered if it was necessarily true. 

I scrolled through all the websites and only looked up when Mac came back into the room. I clicked out of the pages, having learned my lesson from leaving all my tabs open at Zac’s house. 

“Did you talk to Tay?” 

“Not yet...will you go downstairs and wait for the pizza? Here’s money,” he said, handing me some cash. I begrudgingly got off the bed and went downstairs, wishing I could listen to his conversation with Taylor. When the pizza arrived it smelled so good it made my stomach groan with longing, but I wasn’t sure I wanted any. I had just sat in the car all day, and I didn’t feel as though I had necessarily earned anything that indulgent. I knocked on the door and Mac let me in, his phone still plastered to his ear. I saw doubt flicker in his face, and knew he was wondering whether he should hang up or just accept the fact that I was going to hear his side of the conversation. 

“I mean...I know it’s different Tay. I know that. Right. I know.” 

I laid on my stomach and watched my brother pick out a few slices and lay them on a napkin, eating them as he talked. He didn’t even think about it. 

“I’m not...I’m not telling them. NO! How...What would that possibly achieve. Yeah she does. No. No she’s not going to tell them. I don’t...no she won’t.” I saw him glance over at me, and I knew they were talking about my habit of tattling. 

“I won’t!” I said defensively. I was already bored of not being included so I went back to looking at the websites, thinking I was safe, since Mac was busy eating and talking on the phone. I clicked around aimlessly, searching through the tag of my own name before realizing with sinking dread that Mac had paced his way around the room and was behind me. 

“What are you doing?!” He asked, “No not you, Tay. Sorry I...sorry I’ll call you back.” He hung up the phone and put it in his pocket, looking at me in horror. “Didn’t I tell you that was an awful idea?!” 

“You said it was a bad idea…”

“Literally same thing, Zo. 

“It’s not a big deal. Calm down. Call Taylor back. God, why does everyone have to be hovering over me all the time?!”

“What are you talking about?” 

“Zac yelled at me for it too, and just...I don’t know I feel like everyone is trying to tell me what to do and not to do while also telling me I need to be more independent,” I felt my cheeks getting flushed with rage, the words pouring out of my throat before I could fully form my true feelings. 

“Zoe, I’m not yelling at you…and...Zac yelled at you too? That means you’re doing this more than just a few times if two of your brothers have caught you in the act.”

“JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!” I shrieked, the echoes of my words bouncing off the walls of the hotel room. 

I looked up at Mac, who looked like he had been slapped. That now made two brothers who looked at me like that in the past few days. I wondered how long it would be until I made Taylor and Isaac look as that shocked.

“Fine,” Mac said, putting his hands up as though pleading with me to cease fire. I knew I should apologize for snapping, but instead I went into the bathroom and slammed the door, putting my hands over my overheated face. I looked at myself in the mirror and instantly hated what I saw. I wanted to claw the skin off of my bones. I wanted to kneel in front of the toilet and heave up everything, even though I hadn’t really eaten much that day. I didn’t know what to do, my breath started coming in gasps. 

Before I knew it, my vision began to go fuzzy around the edges, and I couldn’t catch my breath. The gasps became louder, and I heard Mac’s footsteps rushing to the bathroom and knocking on the door. I couldn’t tell him to come in or stay out, so he flung the door open and and maybe asked me what was wrong, but I couldn’t hear him. All I could hear was my own panic drumming in my ears. 

***

“I think it would be a good idea if you ate something…” Mac said about an hour later, after I had calmed down. We were laying in the bed together, watching TV but not really paying attention to the content, just letting the sound chase away the bad thoughts that were swirling around our heads. 

“I’m nauseous. I don’t think that would be a good idea.” 

“Maybe it would settle your stomach.” 

“Maybe like...a coke? Or something? I don’t want to throw up,” I responded, even though in some deep part of myself, I kind of did. 

“I’ll get one from the vending machine,” he said, and sprang up from the bed, grateful for something active to do. I was so ashamed at the panic attack that had overtaken my body, leaving me shivering on the bathroom floor in the middle of a hot summer night. When Mac came back I took the bottle from him with a weak smile.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have come with you,” I mumbled. 

“Come on, Zo, it’s fine. I promise.” 

“Don’t...tell anyone, okay?”

“Okay. Lips are sealed.”


	20. Chapter 20

I woke up the next morning with dry eyes and an empty stomach. I rolled over in the queen sized bed and kicked Mackie, startling him awake. 

“I need about a gallon of coffee.” 

“You and me both, kid.” 

We got ourselves up and dressed and I looked up the nearest Starbucks on my phone, which was thankfully close by. After each acquiring a Venti, we were back on the road, the hotel and the panic attack behind us. 

“So...do you want to talk about it?” Mac asked gingerly. 

“Not really. I don’t know, that’s never happened to me before.” 

“What, a panic attack?” 

“Yeah.” 

“I’ve never had one either but I’ve seen plenty of people have them.” 

“Like who?” 

“Jessie used to get them all the time.” I looked over at my brother, amazed at this nugget of information. I had never seen Jessie descend into her fear like that. 

“Wait...really?” 

“Yeah. I don’t think she’s had one for a while, but it was almost a daily occurrence at one point.” 

“Wow.” 

“Hey Zo...cone of safety?” 

I sighed. Mac and I had developed this practice a year or so ago, when we were coming to blows over something that now seemed inconsequential. We asked for the cone of safety to state our opinion without the other screaming or yelling or getting upset. It sometimes worked. Sometimes. 

“Sure.” 

“So...I’m no _expert_ on this kind of thing but...I think you should talk to Zac...about your eating.” 

Anger flashed across my face, and I know that Mac saw it. 

“My eating?” I asked, trying my best to remain calm. 

“Yeah. I mean...you’ve barely touched any food this whole time we’ve been on this trip. You never say you’re hungry. And then when you do get a meal...like brunch the other day...you wolf it down. I don’t know, again not the expert, but I think that might have something to do with why you had a the attack last night. Hunger can lead to your brain freaking out like that.” 

“What, did you google that?” I said sarcastically. 

“Yeah, I did, so what? I don’t...I don’t like this okay? I don’t like having to bring this up and have you snap back at me. I know...I know how hard it is to look at those Hanson websites and see yourself. It’s not...easy, Zo. I get it. Trust me, I get it. Jessie gets it, Avie gets it. We’re all in the same boat.” 

“So like...what is your point?” I asked, my tone dripping with sass. I didn’t want to be mean to Mac but somehow that’s how everything was coming out. 

“My point is that I’m starving but you so vehemently said no to breakfast sandwiches or pastries at Starbucks.” 

“You could have gotten something!!” 

“I was scared to even bring food into the car, Zoe, the way you said no was venomous.” 

“Oh, shut up.” I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop snapping and challenging him. There was a big part of my brain that willed myself to just give in and make a joke, get breakfast, hang out with my brother. But the bigger part of my brain was fuzzy and out of focus, causing me to feel unwarranted anger and fear. 

“Well I’m gonna get something. What do you want?” 

“I’m not hungry Mackenzie!”

“You haven’t eaten since yesterday! That’s not how this works!” 

“I’m nauseous okay?? I’ve been nauseous since last night.” 

He pulled off the highway and followed signs for a McDonald’s, the last thing I wanted. He knew, from countless Sundays after church together, what I always got, and ordered it despite my protests. 

“We should be in LA by tonight if we just keep truckin’,” he said, making a valiant attempt to lighten the mood and change the subject. 

“I don’t know why I came with you. This has all been one huge mess.” I made the conscious decision to not apologize. 

“Whatever,” Mac replied, tearing into his sausage mcmuffin and merging back into traffic. 

***

It was one in the morning when we finally pulled into Mac’s apartment complex, both of us tired and cranky from being in the car all day. We had started this summer so happy, just excited to spend time with each other, and now we had barely spoken for the better part of the drive. Mac played music and I buried myself in my book, already ready for my return flight. 

We made our way up to his apartment and he flicked on the light. Where Avery’s apartment was incredibly Avery, this apartment was definitely Mac’s. It was covered in band posters and he clearly did not take the time to clean before heading to Tulsa a few weeks ago. He went to the hall closet and returned with some blankets, and began making up the couch for me. 

“What are we doing tomorrow?” I asked cautiously.

“I have to work. I’ll leave you a key, though.” 

I went to the bathroom to change into my pajamas and wash my face. I definitely looked tired. There were bags under my eyes, something that no sixteen year old necessarily wants to see in her reflection. I made a silent promise to myself that I would be nice to Mac tomorrow. After all, he didn’t have to let me stay with him. 

I shot a quick text to Mom and Dad, just letting them know we had finally made it to LA safely, before completely conking out for the night. Sitting in a car for that long was exhausting. _Tomorrow is a new day_. I thought as my eyes started to slam shut. _Tomorrow is always a new day._


	21. Chapter 21

I looked up from my phone, where I was editing a picture of my latte for instagram. I had made this trip look amazing. Pictures of me with the sun in my eyes, pictures of me and my siblings, the view from the car, my coffee cups...no one would guess that the trip had been one giant clusterfuck, lightened only by Avery’s acceptance of my apology. Everyone looking at my pictures would assume I was having the time of my life. 

_Good_ , I thought, _It’s better they think that than know about the noise in my head._

Mac left me a key, as promised, with a note that said “I’ll be home from work this afternoon, go explore or whatever. Eat something. There’s a coffee shop a block away.” I grimaced at the demand to eat something, but immediately made my way to the coffee shop to pump myself full of espresso for the day ahead. I still felt sluggish. 

I could only kill so much time with myself and my latte, so as soon as I drained my cup I made my way back up to Mac’s apartment. I didn’t feel like exploring, even though I knew that was the reason I came in the first place. Nothing was going as planned. Mac and I were fighting and neither of us were having any fun. He had been with me this entire time so he was keeping tabs on my eating (and not eating), which made me feel as though I was suffocating. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. I was supposed to be having the time of my life, my sixteenth summer basking in the California sun, and yet here I was spending the morning cooped up in my brother’s apartment. I felt tears trickle down my cheeks. 

“Crap,” I muttered, wiping my eyes furiously. I didn’t want to cry. I hated crying. It only ever made me look weak. 

The tears kept coming and before I knew it, a sob burst out of my throat, shaking my entire body. The jingle of keys followed immediately after. Mackie walked through the door, his eyes falling on me and widening. 

“Wh...What’s up, Zo?” 

Another sob erupted from my core. There was no going back. “I’m sorry…” was all I could get out. 

“Hey! Hey, what...what happened?” 

“What are you doing home?” I asked once my sobs subsided, looking at the clock and seeing it was only noon. I expected him to be gone for longer. 

“I told my boss you were in town and he told me to take a long lunch so I could eat with you.”

I furiously pawed at my face, thinking that maybe if I wiped fast enough, the tears would cease to fall. The act was fruitless. 

“I want to go home, Mac,” I blurted out. It was true. The trip was dissolving into fights and tears and I just wanted to go back to Tulsa. Where I was safe. Where I woke up every morning and knew what I was getting myself into. Where I didn’t cry or snap at people or have panic attacks in a hotel bathroom. 

“What?” 

“I want...I need to go home. Do you think we can change my flight to tomorrow?” 

“Um...yeah, probably. Are you sure? Your flight isn’t until the middle of next week.” 

“I’m sure.” 

Mac heaved a deep sigh. _So much for a fun summer with my brother_. “Yeah...sure. I’ll call right now.” 

***

“Hey, I just landed,” I said into my phone as soon as the flight attendant announced that it was safe to switch off of airplane mode. 

“Okay, honey,” Mom replied. “Taylor’s on his way.” 

“Why is Tay picking me up?” 

“Because I’m in the middle of cooking dinner and he was over anyway…”

“Oh, okay.” 

“Nat and the kids are here too. Just get home safely so we can all have dinner together!” She sounded way too cheerful. I just assumed she was strangely happy that I was home early. 

I stepped out of the airport and scanned the loading zone for Taylor’s truck. It didn’t take me long to spot him, leaning against his vehicle, cigarette dangling from his mouth. I sauntered over to him, waving when he looked up at me. 

“Hey Zo Bug!” He said, also a little too cheerfully for my taste. I suddenly realized that I had no idea how much Mac had told the other members of my family. Did they know I basically had a break down a few days ago? Is that why they were all being so nice?

“Hey,” I responded coldly, heaving my bags into the backseat. 

“How was Cali?” 

“Lame.” 

Taylor snorted and shook his head. “I guess it was about time for you to become a sullen teenager.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“You’re being very broody. Reminds me of someone.” 

“Who?” 

“Zac.” 

I rolled my eyes. Always with the Zac comparisons. 

“What is Mom making for dinner?” I asked cautiously. 

“Spaghetti.” 

_Great, something heavy_ , I thought sarcastically to myself, turning my face towards the window so Taylor couldn’t see my disgust. “Hey, how was Avie?” He asked.

“She was good. We spent the night at her and Paisley’s apartment.” 

“That’s great!” 

“Yeah it was fun, I guess.” 

“You guess?” 

I shrugged. I wasn’t being a very good conversationalist. 

“Hey Zo...It’s okay you came home early. You just weren’t feelin’ it. That’s okay. You still have plenty of time.” 

I looked over at him and had to squint because the light was streaming in through the driver’s side window, turning his hair perfectly golden. I wasn’t sure what he meant...whether I had plenty of time left in the summer or just plenty of time left in my life to figure everything out, but either way I felt heard for the first time in months. I smiled weakly as we pulled into the driveway. 

“Come on,” Tay said, carrying my bags for me, “I’m sure Willa’s already covered in pasta sauce.


	22. Chapter 22

“I just missed being home I guess...I missed all of you guys,” I responded when Penny asked me why I was home so early, glancing at Taylor who watched me with a knowing look in his eyes. “But it wasn’t a total bust. I got to drive across the country with Mac, which was a blast,” I shoved salad into my mouth to try and cover up the lie. 

“And you saw Avie,” Taylor added, before taking a sip of his wine. My eyes widened. We had kept that part out of the plans for a very specific reason. 

“Why wasn’t I told about this?” Mom asked. I could feel my face grow hot. 

“Zoe…” Dad said from the head of the table. 

I looked at Taylor for help, his mouth gaping open. It wasn’t his fault. He probably just didn’t know I hadn’t told Mom. I felt my stomach drop. 

“Yeah, we um...we stopped in Oklahoma City.” 

“To see your sister?” 

“Yes...to see Avery.” 

“You didn’t ask me first.” 

“I don’t think I need your permission to see my sister, Mom,” I fired back. Silence hung in the room. I had never openly defied my mother before. Not like this. 

“But you knew I would have said no, so you deliberately did not tell me that was what you were doing. And what did you do when you were there? Spend time with her and her girlfriend?”

“With _Paisley_ , Mom? She has a name. And yes I did.” 

“ZOE,” her voice continued to raise. I was terrified of what would happen next, but the events of the past few days gave me a surge of confidence unlike any I had ever felt. I didn’t care that the little ones were at the table with us. I didn’t care that Dad hated when anyone fought. I didn’t care. 

“What?!” 

“We made Avery leave for a reason. We couldn’t have her live under our roof when she intentionally went against God.” 

“Oh, please.” 

More silence. “What did you say to me, young lady?” 

“Mom...you do realize that Avery probably has the healthiest relationship in this family, right?” 

I waited for her to respond, but it seemed as though I had finally stunned her into complete silence. 

“I can’t believe you ever brainwashed me into thinking that my sister was a sinner. The kindest, most thoughtful Hanson...no offense, Tay.” 

“None taken,” he muttered with a wave. 

“She’s not a sinner, Mom, and if you want to kick me out too for thinking that, then whatever. I’m sure one of my brothers would love to have a live in nanny for a couple years. She’s a loving, caring person and she and Paisley are so happy together. I wish you could have seen them. I’ve never seen her that happy. Not inside this house, at least. So, no. I’m not going to apologize for going and seeing her. It’s done, and I’m happy it happened. I got to apologize for being a horrible little sister. And she accepted my apology, something you would probably never be able to do.” I stormed away from the table, knocking my chair over in the process. I knew I could only stay in my room so long before having to leave and face my mom again, but for now I would stay there, the door locked, nothing but me and my own thoughts. 

***

There’s one thing you should know about my family and that is that nothing ever really remains a secret. In a matter of moments my blow up was making the rounds. No one had ever lashed out at my mother like that, at least not while sober. 

My phone buzzed and I opened a text from Mac.

#### Zoe!!! You can’t pull something like that when I’m not around. So you got home safe? LOL. 

I wasn’t really sure how Mac was still talking to me. He never took anything personally, which was great for moments like these. I couldn’t help but chuckle. I texted him back.

#### Ugh, I know, I feel like you would have loved it. Who told you? Tay? 

#### Yep. I wish he had gotten video. 

#### Lol, shut up. 

I heard Taylor and Natalie leave, family in tow, and watched them drive away from my bedroom window, wishing I was going with them. Maybe I could call him in a little while and see if I could come over and spend the night indefinitely. Perhaps he would take me up on that live in nanny thing. 

I could hear footsteps coming up the stairs and knew it would only be a matter of seconds before Mom would be knocking on my door, forcing me to discuss what had transpired. To my surprise she walked right by my room and closed her own door, shutting out everyone, including her teenage daughter. 

I felt bloaty and awful from the spaghetti on a completely empty stomach. I snuck down the stairs and out of the house. There was only one sibling’s house that I could walk to. So...I went to Zac’s.


	23. Chapter 23

“Hey Zo! I heard you had quite the blow up,” Zac said with a smirk when he answered his door. 

“It’s been like twenty minutes!” 

He shrugged, “News travels fast. So you wanna spend the night?” 

“Yes please. Have you eaten? You and Kate could go out if you wanted...I’ll watch the kids to pay for room and board.” 

“Nah it’s okay, we already had dinner. It’s almost bed time, silly!” I nodded, remembering that Zac implemented strict and early bedtimes for his kids. “Come on in.” 

I sheepishly walked into the house, and made my way to the couch, where Kate and the kids were halfway through a movie. Shepherd scooted over to make room for me and his small act of kindness nearly brought tears to my eyes. I was so tired. 

“You want popcorn, Zo? I’m putting M&M’s in it,” Zac called from the kitchen. My stomach hadn’t settled, even though I was hoping the walk over would help. 

“No thanks,” I responded, pulling Shep onto my lap to make more room. Zac joined us, and when the microwave pinged, Kate popped and scurried out into the kitchen. 

“Hey Zo? Can you come help me for a second?” 

I joined Kate, who was divvying the popcorn into bowls for each family member. The image made me feel like I was looking through some portal to the past, where my siblings and I would make popcorn and watch movies on friday nights, Jessie always making sure there was enough for everyone. I breathed out a laugh, thinking about the night that Paisley came over and watched a movie with us. Dirty Dancing. 

“You sure you don’t want any? I have enough.” 

“Yeah, I’m okay.” 

“Zoe...Zac told me everything about...well...everything.” 

“News travels fast,” I said, echoing Zac from moments before. 

“I’ve been wanting to talk to you...invite you over but...I wasn’t really sure how to go about it. And then you showed up tonight and I figured it was a sign. That sounds silly…” 

“No it doesn’t,” I said meekly, scared for what was coming next. 

“Zac told me about the night he found you trying to make yourself throw up and...Zoe I’ve never in my entire life seen him quite so upset. It really affected him and...I can tell how worried he is about you. I promise I didn’t tell anyone else and I don’t think he did either, but…” she took a deep breath, “Zoe I never want Zac to feel as worried about you as I felt about him. I was terrified. I didn’t know what was going to happen to him, I didn’t know what was going to happen to us.” 

Tears formed in her eyes, threatening to fall at any minute. 

“And it’s not just him. I can’t...I can’t go through that again. I can’t watch someone else that I love waste away. I know you were young when he got sick, but…”

“I remember how scared everyone was. I remember he left. He drove away…” 

“Yeah, he did. And I know this all sounds very selfish like...don’t get sick so that I personally don’t have to be worried, but I don’t care. So many years of my life have been dedicated to making sure your brother is okay. I’m owed a few moments of selfishness.” 

I smirked, and met Kate’s look of concern, seeing the tears finally start to fall. 

“I’m proud of you for standing up to your Mom.” 

“It doesn’t feel like something anyone should be proud of.” 

“Well I am. You’re a feisty little spitfire, you know that right? I can’t have that fire burning out. None of us can. We need you. The world needs you, Zo.” 

Silence hung in the air before I collapsed into my sister-in-law, both of us allowing our tears to fall freely. I never realized how difficult her life must have become in the wake of Zac’s illness. How she was dealing with it, even now. 

“How long does it take to make popcorn?” Zac called from the living room, causing us both to laugh. The kind of laughter that only erupts after a good cry. 

“We’re coming,” Kate shouted back, handing me a few bowls to carry out to the rest of the family. 

I handed a bowl to Junia, who tore her attention away from the movie for the first time since I arrived. She looked at me with the intensity of a child who hadn’t yet been tainted by the pain of the world quiet yet. 

“You look different, Zo Zo,” she said, probably referencing the fact that I had cried all my makeup off. 

“I feel different, too.” 

It was true. I knew that nothing was wrapped up in a neat package. I still would have to go home and face Mom, I still would have to deal with the fact that I didn’t want to eat, I still would have to figure out the sense of unrest I had churning inside of me. But I could do all of those things. I would do all of those things. 

I was eleven years old the day my older brother, Zac, checked himself into treatment. And yet I didn’t really ever get to know him, or myself, until I was sixteen. We are more alike than I thought. He is far from the perfect son and I am even farther from the perfect daughter. 

But I am me.


End file.
